RELATIONSHIPS
Whether single or in a relationship, the key is to not let one day rule your life
How to stay emotionally fit this Valentine’s Day.
As Valentine’s Day nears, some couples rejoice. But others may face rising anxiety and depression.
Liz Seitz has provided individual, couples and family counseling for more than three decades. She says it is common for people to struggle on Valentine’s Day.
“They’re either grieving the loss of love or looking for it or trying to make a relationship work,” she said.
The holiday can add pressure to a relationship or force unhappy couples to celebrate love when they would rather not. Single people may feel more alone, and some partnered people can feel lonely as well. Still, Seitz says a healthy relationship is a worthwhile idea at any time of year.
“I think a relationship is a great thing to want; it’s something to strive for,” she said.
According to Mental Health Match, a free, confidential service that matches Houstonians to their ideal therapist, 41 percent of Houstonians want to improve their romantic relationships. In fact, that’s the main reason many turn to the service.
Abby Van Egdom, a therapist with Bridging Relationships in the Heights, said Valentine’s Day can stir up difficulty in relationships. “Unfortunately, one day can seem to symbolize an entire relationship,” she said. “But it’s really everyday things, those little things, that make relationships work.”
Here are some ideas from Houston’s experts for staying emotionally fit:
Set realistic expectations.
It’s important not to idealize the relationships seen on social media, said Yasman Karimi, with Houston Relationship Therapy. “People should take those posts with a grain of salt,” she said. Posts are rarely made during a fight or on a boring day. Van Egdom suggests reminding yourself that each relationship is unique: “Remember what makes yours special.”
Celebrate being single.
“Rather than what you lack, be mindful of what you have,” Seitz said. “Stop giving so much power to the holiday, and treat yourself to a special dose of self-love. Allowing one day to cloud our emotional landscape is dangerous.” She suggests buying yourself a treat or making a date with friends or family.
It’s OK to grieve a loss.
Valentine’s Day can be a difficult reminder for anyone mourning the loss of a spouse or going through a painful breakup. “It’s always tough when you lose someone,” Seitz said. “It makes everything more lonely and sad.” There’s nothing wrong with taking time to cry. “It’s better to honor our feelings than to shove them under a rug,” she said. Still, she cautions against isolating yourself too much: “You do need to be around people who love you.”
Don’t forget to compliment.
One of the most common mistakes Seitz sees in relationships is failing to compliment your partner. “You crave it and you need it,” she said. “It’s very important to continue. Remember to pay attention. We all need to hear that we’re attractive, that we’re desired. People need to verbalize those things and not just leave it in their heads.” She thinks individuals might subconsciously fear their partners will get a big head from too many compliments. “But by withholding compliments, you can make your partner feel vulnerable,” she said.
Listen to a complaint.
When there is a problem, don’t just blow it off or become defensive. Seitz said couples can struggle when one person feels they are being ignored. “It’s important to acknowledge when your partner is saying something,” Seitz explained. “Recognize when your partner is unhappy, and take it seriously.” Individuals might fear rejection, as well as change. Seitz said they sometimes may think, “I might have to grow in an area where I’m not ready to grow.” In reality, she explained, everyone can improve.
Communicate honestly.
Relationships thrive when dialogue is healthy. “It’s easier to empathize with one another if you talk about why you are the way you are,” said Karimi.
Spend time on yourself.
“People tend to look to their relationship to make them happy, when really, they need to look at themselves first,” Seitz said.
“The happier we become with ourselves, the happier we are with our partners. We aren’t good partners when we’re hard on ourselves.” Karimi said that individuals are often carrying baggage from past relationships and even their family. “There’s a lot of work we need to do on ourselves,” she said. When individuals develop their own self-esteem, they feel more deserving of love.
Understand different love languages.
“Everyone gives and receives love differently,” Karimi said. She recommends reading “The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate” by Gary Chapman. Sometimes, individuals aren’t speaking the same language, Karimi said. By learning more about the various styles of love, individuals can better understand each other.
Let’s talk about sex.
Intimacy is part of communication, Karimi said. Some individuals grew up in households where sex was seen as taboo. “The difficult part is ripping off that band-aid,” Karimi said. If you remain silent, however, opening that door can become increasingly difficult, which can lead to betrayal, dishonesty and shame. Seitz said that when a couple’s sex life is going well, it simply becomes a small part of the big picture. But when it’s out of whack, sex can complicate a number of other areas. “It’s so important to create a place of no judgment, just to be able to listen,” she said.
It’s OK to fight — but understand why.
Disagreeing is normal, Karimi said. “If you don’t fight, you’re internalizing,” she said. Still, she said, it’s important to understand the root causes. Seitz recommends allowing for time-outs during a fight, even having a safe word that allows you to take a break. The key is knowing you will come back and discuss the issue when you are ready.
Be optimistic.
Van Egdom reminds couples that they are working toward a common goal — making the relationship work. “If we don’t set a goal, then we can’t figure out how to get there,” she said. On that journey, individuals might need to remind themselves that the outcome of the effort is a lasting love. “Not every day is going to feel amazing,” she said. Still, instead of setting yourself up for disappointment, Van Egdom suggests working toward success. “A lot of times, we talk about what’s not working,” she said. “We get stuck in the problem, and then that’s all we see. Instead, we can ask, what can we do?”