Understand your emotions to grow and heal
The pandemic has elevated everyone’s baseline stress and brought many underlying issues to the surface.
So this seemed like a good time to talk to an emotions expert. Karla McLaren is an author and researcher who believes our emotional intelligence tends to be chronically underdeveloped. In her book, “The Language of Emotions,” she says turning this dynamic around can cause greater “selfknowledge, interpersonal awareness and profound healing.”
I asked her to give us a crash course on how to increase our emotional expertise.
“It’s really important to reframe emotions,” she says.
In McLaren’s view, we typically perceive emotions as problems, which we then thoughtlessly express or repress. She advocates a more mindful approach, where we step back and see our emotions as sources of information. She believes invaluable insight is available from this perspective.
We also need to change how we talk about emotions. “Research has found that developing a larger emotional vocabulary— all by itself — can help people learn to identify and regulate their emotions,” McLaren says.
She has an emotional vocabulary list that names emotions by type and intensity on her website, karlamclaren.com, and suggests keeping that list handy to learn how to precisely identify what we’re experiencing.
Is our anger, for example, of a softer variety, more in line with being “peeved?” Or is it medium-level, like “aggravated?” Perhaps it’s intense, and we’re “contemptuous.” She says anger is a social emotion, and understanding these nuances and subtleties can help us respond appropriately.
“If you don’t know what your emotions are about, they can be a weapon that you don’t know how to work,” McLaren says. She describes each emotion as having a particular purpose. In learning those purposes, we can start to work with the emotion, rather than be its victim.
She points to four main emotional states to be aware of:
Anger. McLaren says anger suggests a need for boundaries.
She writes on her website: “Anger helps you protect your position, your standpoint, and your individuality. If you don’t have enough anger, you’ll tend to give up your position and your sense of self, but if you have too much anger, you’ll continually offend against the rights of others.”
When anger arises, she says we must determine how, where and to what degree boundaries should be drawn.
Fear. When we feel fear, McLaren says intuition, or instinct, is speaking up.
I find this one particularly interesting, as I’ve always noted the companionship between fear and intuition, and I’ve sometimes struggled to differentiate the two. When I’m afraid before boarding a plane, for example, is that an irrational fear, or is it intuition — a gut feeling that something will go wrong?
McLaren says this is where an emotional vocabulary is key: She says fear for one’s life is, more precisely, “panic.” She says fear, as it relates to instinct, is a sense in the moment about something directly at hand.
McLaren suggests asking “What action should be taken? What should I do?” when fear creeps up. She says curiosity about our fears can help us understand when they’re healthy and appropriate versus repetitive and unhelpful.
Sadness. McLaren says sadness helps us let go of things that aren’t working and make room for things that are. She says it’s common to refuse sadness and, consequently, get ourselves stuck.
To channel sadness wisely, she suggests asking: “What must be released?” and “What must be rejuvenated?” when the feeling arises. (She notes that grieving is different, as it arises when we have no choice about letting go. She says this is a “slow and languid process that takes its own time.”)
Happiness. This lovely emotion helps us identify pleasing things. The catch, she says, is that we’re inclined to cling to happiness and push other emotions away, which ultimately makes us less happy overall.
“One of the biggest tricks to learn with happiness is to let it come and go — and to not treat it as better or more important than your other emotions. Every emotion has its place.”
When we allow all emotions to come and go, without pushing or pulling, and do so with awareness of precisely what we’re feeling, we’re empowered to respond wisely.
McLaren says this level of emotional intelligence, especially right now, when tensions are so high, can save a lot of time, money and unnecessary suffering.
“It can change our lives,” she says.
McLaren’s new book, “Embracing Anxiety,” is now available.
Marci Izard Sharif is an author, yoga teacher, meditation facilitator and mother. In Feeling Matters, she writes about self-love, sharing self-care tools, stories and resources that center around knowing and being kind to yourself.