Here’s how to talk to grandchildren about uncomfortable topics
As grandparents (and as parents), it seems we’re always making an effort to soften the blow of disappointment and shielding them from the pain of a poor test grade, a romantic break-up, the loss of a friend, not making the team, etc.
If you think about your own childhood, your life, most probably, was touched by trauma on a regular basis, no matter how much parents or teachers try to keep the “bad things” away.
However, professionals specializing in child behavior tell us, instead of shielding children from the existing dangers or turmoil around us, adults should talk to kids about what is happening.
Of course, it’s easier to sugar-coat the truth.
About 15 years ago, my granddaughter and her brother sat in the backseat of the family’s SUV while their mom and dad delivered twins in the front seat.
When we picked the kids up when their parents were on the way to the hospital, I wanted to make sure I answered all my 7-year-old granddaughter’s questions as age-appropriately as possible. (Her younger brother was watching cartoons and was oblivious to what was happening around him.)
So, when she asked why her mom was screaming, I said having a baby was hard work and painful, too, but God made the pain hard to remember after the baby was born.
“Yes, Grandma,” my granddaughter said, “but my mom was really screaming, and it was really loud.”
When my 5-year-old came home from school, wanting to talk about his friend’s cat that had died the night before.
“Danny said he found her in the closet and thought she was asleep, but when she didn’t eat her dinner, Danny’s dad said she had died so he buried her in the backyard.
“Mom, why do we bury things that die?” he said.
I was sure he was remembering the graveside service for his great-grandmother.
I had to think, and quickly. “It’s…it’s tradition. The Pilgrims buried their dead to keep them safe and we’ve kept that tradition all these years.”
He seemed satisfied, at first. Then he asked, “Mom, what’s a tradition?”
I was ready. “You remember we put up a tree and decorate it at Christmas?”
“I like Christmas,” he said. “Decorating the tree is a tradition, something we do every year. Another tradition is hanging stockings, and that’s a tradition, too.”
“OK,” he said. “We have lots of traditions.”
Sometimes, the conversations may not seem easy, but discussing difficult events in age-appropriate language can help a child feel safer and more secure. So, the answer about death may be, “You remember Grandpa got so sick?”
As much as we adults may try to avoid difficult topics, children often learn or know when something sad or scary happens.
If adults don’t talk to them about it, a child may overestimate what is wrong or misunderstand adults’ silence.
So, be the first to bring up the difficult topic. When parents tackle difficult conversations, they let their children know that they are available and supportive.
A few more tips
1. Think about what you want to say — practice in front of a mirror if you need to.
2. Find a quiet time and place so your grandchild will be the center of your attention.
3. Find out what they know. This will be your starting place, and listen, listen, listen.
4. Share your feelings.
5. Tell the truth — lay out the facts they will understand.
6. Ask if they have any questions.
7. If you don’t know, it’s OK to say, “I don’t know.”
8. Provide reassurance. You will always keep them safe and will be there if they have any other questions.
So, be the first to bring up the difficult topic. When parents tackle difficult conversations, they let their children know that they are available and supportive.