Thumbs up, down
Gohmert, Travis and an arrested MMA fighter make it hard to see the bright side.
Happy New Year! It’s only been a little more than a day, but so far, so good. God’s in his heaven. Trump’s at his golf course. All’s right with the world. Last year left us as rattled as a ride on the old Astroworld Texas Cyclone, constantly wondering if the safety bar would hold and grateful to be alive at the end. In that spirit of appreciation, the Thumbs’ New Year’s resolution is to stay positive. How hard could it be?
Brisketgate! It was almost too on the nose to have the last big Texas political scandal of the year be about beef, but 2020 was nothing if not basic. U.S. Sen. John Cornyn took a roasting on social media after he posted a photo of his holiday meal with the caption “Brisket family tradition.” The sad, sliced up hunk of leather — looking so dry that pictures of it can be used as a dehumidifier — was covered in a redmystery sauce and seemed to answer the age-old question of what it would look like if a cow fought a bear. People were very mean on social media, but Cornyn took it in stride. “There’s a lot of things I don’t want to happen that happen. So you just got to learn to deal with it. And I think this is one of them,” he said. Way to stay positive, senator!
Oh, wait, Cornyn wasn’t talking about the brisket. He handled that with some good humor. He was talking about another unsavory piece of meat: U.S. Sen. Josh Hawley. The Missouri Republican announced Wednesday that he would object to the certification of the Electoral College vote. His action, along with that of U.S. Rep. Mo Brooks, R-Ala., in the House, guarantees that a usually pro forma congressional confirmation of the presidential contest becomes yet another casualty of President Donald Trump’s false allegation of a stolen election. We know Alabama and Missouri are no strangers to lost causes, but it’s time to acknowledge reality. At least the ensuing debate and vote will (hopefully) confirm that a slim majority of our lawmakers still believe in democracy. So, yay! Unsurprisingly, that slim majority does not include U.S. Rep. Louie Gohmert. The Texas Republican sued Vice President Mike Pence this week to get a federal judge to magically expand the veep’s powers so he can ignore the Electoral College and install Trump as president for another term. Imagine if this was how our political system worked. Nelson Rockefeller would have given us four more years of Gerald Ford. Walter Mondale would have given Jimmy Carter another shot. Dan Quayle would have stumbled and somehow given us President Potatoe. The laughter is starting to catch in our throats, but the bright side is that these coup attempts keep getting sillier and sillier! Right?
You know what else got caught? A bobcat! By a professional mixed martial arts fighter! In Sugar Land! We assume it was an accident and that the two partnered up to fight the Houston criminal underworld and their archenemy Professor Possum! Sorry. No. It’s hard to keep this positivity thing up. The poor animal was trapped and starved, and then the MMA fighter allegedly tried to sell him on Craigslist for $1,000. On the upside, the fine folks at the Harris County Precinct 1 Constable’s Office led the investigation, the bobcat was rescued and the MMA fighter was arrested. Professor Possum remains at large. That marsupial master of mayhem must have gotten to District G Council Member Greg Travis. How else to explain his abhorrent Facebook post that claimed former first lady Michelle Obama wasn’t “the brightest bulb in the lot” and got into Harvard Law School because of affirmative action. “She was born with her qualification,” Travis wrote beneath a photo of Obama next to one of Melania Trump. Not content to make racist comments, he added sexism to the mix by claiming Vice President-elect Kamala Harris’ skill is that “she sleeps with powerful men.” While Hillary Clinton — an accomplished woman in her own right — “would be nothing without Bill.” Travis deleted the post but disavowed nothing, saying he took it down because Mayor Sylvester Turner asked him to, “as a friend.” Does Travis think the nine women, five of them Black, who sit next to him on the Houston City Council belong there? They do. After his ignorant, disrespectful comments, we’re not sure he does. Travis is unrepentant and we can already feel how this year is going to go. Just over 24 hours in and our resolution has been thwarted.