Tips for making New Year’s resolution stick.
There’s no doubt that January is a wonderful time to set intentions for the year ahead. I’m kneedeep in the process myself.
But I’ve found there’s a critical element of goal setting that’s often overlooked, and it leads to no small amount of angst, frustration and disappointment.
That core component is self-love. I get how that can sound fluffy and unnecessary, but it’s not.
Self-love is characterized by acceptance and kindness. It’s the opposite of self-judgment and harshness, fromwhich our goals and resolutions often subconsciously arise.
It’s: “I care about myself and want to be healthy and fit” versus “I’m fat and disgusting.” In essence: “I’m enough; I’m inherently worthy” versus “I’m not enough; I should be better.”
I think about it as treating myself the way I treat my kids. I believe in them, root for them and offer comfort when they need it. They may pick up habits I don’t necessarily like, but bottom line, I love them. I won’t berate them over imperfections or mistakes. I’ll still firmly redirect them from time to time, but with concern and care, not rejection and disgust. The latter may sometimes yield short-term results, but it always creates pain.
I think we tend to not realize how we do this to ourselves.
That’s been the case for me.
I want to be thoughtful, wise, a great writer, the best mom, a loving wife, beautiful, kind, patient, funny, a good daughter, sister … I could go on. I basically want to be perfect in every way I can conceive, and I beat myself up when I fall short all the time.
Learning a different approach has vastly improved my life, but it’s still an active decision I have to make every day. Like a hundred times every day … and I still forget a lot.
Self-love involves seeing ourselves — the good, the bad and the ugly; the whole enchilada — and letting it all be OK. Full acceptance. Total permission to be human. We can still want to change and improve, but we don’t have to in order to be worthy. This approach is gentle but mighty.
I’ve found that self-love provides a fertile ground for continuous growth, and it makes life so much more enjoyable (which I think is what we’re ultimately after, right?).
To start revving up your self-love skills, sit in silence for a few minutes and dabble with this:
Direct your attention to your breath or the sensation in your body. Hone your focus, and when your mind wanders, which it will, objectively notice what thoughts are taking hold and, without any judgment or harshness, set them aside and focus again. Do this over and over: Each time you lose focus, notice, and bring it back. If, in the middle of all this, a particular emotion comes up or a part of your body starts to hurt, offer yourself care. In other words, feel the feeling and maybe even inwardly console yourself. I suggest fully embracing the corny. Tell yourself “it’s OK, dear … it’s OK,” as you lean into the feeling and release the mental story it brings along. Then, when ready, return concentration to your breath or sensation again.
You could spend 20 minutes or 2 hours doing this. It doesn’t matter how long. The critical part is the forgiveness, patience and kindness — the love — you give yourself as you take on something where “failure” and imperfection are guaranteed. The practice is real.
Weaving a loving vibe into our resolutions and lives in general will likely take some practice and getting used to. But I know one thing for sure: You’re worth it.
Marci Izard Sharif is an author, yoga teacher, meditation facilitator, and mother. In Feeling Matters, she writes about self-love, sharing self-care tools, stories and resources that center around knowing and being kind to yourself. For her classes and more, go to marcisharif.com.