FEELING MATTERS
What to say to your partner to show you care.
Apowerful way to improve the quality of our romantic relationships is to pay attention to the way we speak — and not just to our beloved.
As I’ve talked about before, I’m a mom of two young kids. I work a few different jobs, and I really value living in a functional, orderly household — one where there’s food in the fridge, some level of organization amongst our schedules and things, homecooked meals, etc.
My energy can be intense as I try to keep these various balls in the air. Inside my head, I’m constantly ticking through what needs to be done, and there’s often a harshness to the way I plow through it all at a fast and furious pace. I think of this state as my business mode. My getstuff-done modus operandi. But if I’m not careful, I push myself like a mean and relentless drill sergeant. And internal messaging has a way of getting out.
I’m cautious to tone down the fury of this persona when I’m around other people, but sometimes it leaks through. Especially to my husband. Sometimes that hyper task-oriented, score-keeping, tough guy engages with him. Not exactly a recipe for marital bliss.
It makes sense that the people closest to us are subjected to the same treatment we give ourselves. It’s all the more reason to add warmth and kindness to what goes on within.
I’ve noticed a difference in our house as I’ve played with this — mostly for my own benefit, to be honest, but the effect on our relationship has been clear. I certainly haven’t eliminated the drill sergeant, nor do I want to, but I’ve added more gentleness in my general inward approach. For example, as I’ve heard myself referring to my babies as “sweetheart” and “darling,” I’ve started addressing myself in this loving manner, too. I give myself credit now, readily tell myself “good job,” and have gotten at least a little better at noticing when I’m beating myself up.
The atmosphere inside me is less cold and critical than it’s been in the past. I can’t say it’s utopia, but prioritizing kindness in the way I speak to myself has loosened me up and opened my heart — positive developments for
romance.
Of course, the words we directly speak in these relationships are important as well.
To that end, I came across a list of expressions that can work like life hacks for openheartedness and connection. I’ve been referring to this list from time to time, and I’ve found using the lines both humbling and rewarding.
This comes from Bret and Christine Eartheart, founders of the Center for Thriving Relationships. They say, “Words are powerful, and they can entirely shape the trajectory of a conversation, a day, an experience, a whole relationship, and a life.”
I leave you with their list of 11 things to say and ask to build intimacy and connection.
I hope this lends itself to more gentleness and joy for you and yours.
1. You are my top priority.
2. We are allies and teammates in this.
3. Whatever it is, we’ll get through it together.
4. I know you had good intentions. (Extra points if you specify what they were).
5. I really appreciate that you …
6. I’m sorry that I …
7. I get it. That totally makes sense. (Validating what they shared.)
8. How are you feeling about …? (Inviting more of their feelings with your open heart and mind.)
9. How can I best support you right now?
10. You are amazing, and I believe in you.
11. I’ve got this. (Said when taking the weight off your partner to help take care of something.)