Houston Chronicle

Thumbs: ‘Lonesome Dove’ is porn?

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First they came for the drag performers, then they came for the librarians, and then ... the cowboys? We’ve been speaking out all along as Texas legislator­s have targeted one woke bogeyman after another, but state Rep. Jared Patterson’s latest salvo in the culture wars is a real head-scratcher. The Fresno Republican’s READER Act — Restrictin­g Explicit and AdultDesig­nated Educationa­l Resources — tasks book vendors with rating their wares for obscene content, which schools would be barred from including in their libraries. The hearing on the bill turned into an opportunit­y for Texans, many of them supporters of the law, to share the nasty bits from sundry books. Danelle Schwertner, a Miles ISD board member, asked, “How do you determine obscenity? Is it specific phrases or words? Is there a formula?” Patterson said it’s all spelled out clear enough in the Texas Penal Code. When state Rep. James Talarico, a Round Rock Democrat, asked about Larry McMurtry’s 1985 “Lonesome Dove,” set on a cattle drive during the twilight years of the Old West, and rife with prostitute­s and scenes of sexual assault, Patterson made no exception for the classic novel, which he apparently hadn’t read: “there should be no sexually explicit books” on campuses. Christin Bentley, a member of the State Republican Executive Committee, tried to come to the rescue, tweeting that she had “bought Lonesome Dove on Kindle and did keyword searches” noting that “f---,” “p---y,” “sex,” and “vagina” don’t appear in the novel. (The word “poke” sure does, though, as Christophe­r Hooks notes in Texas Monthly.) We’re glad she made the effort, but if that’s how book bans are to be settled why not just ask ChatGPT to figure it out for us? Like many, we’re dead set against exposing our little babies to prurient, ungodly, filthy, vulgar or even just steamy porn but, please, let’s have folks who actually read books involved in the process before this witch hunt relegates a classic piece of Western literature penned by a celebrated Texas writer to the dump heap. Speaking of sexually explicit content, our blessings and hearty congratula­tions to Mr. and Mrs. Pickles. The Houston Zoo announced this week the hatching of the radiated tortoises’ three children — Dill, Gherkin and Jalapeño — calling it “a big dill.” Mr. Pickles, who is the oldest resident of the zoo, became a first-time father at the age of 90, while Mrs. Pickles is a mere 53. Mr. Pickles must feel some relief from all the pressure he’s under to help save his species, which has lost much of its native habitat in Madagascar and is illegally sold as a pet. He’s considered the most geneticall­y valuable stud in the survival plan for the radiated tortoise. That does sound cool but imagine carrying the fate of your kind on your shell. Hatched in the 1930s, it seems Mr. Pickles relished an unencumber­ed youth after being collected and taken on a tour of Europe in the 1950s. By the 1980s, though, he had settled into the Houston Zoo and was joined by Mrs. Pickles in 1996, and apparently didn’t feel rushed to start a family over the next 25 years. It was only by chance that a zookeeper noticed Mrs. Pickles laying eggs five months ago and alerted amphibian experts who moved them to incubators.

Any injury that takes a sports legend off the field for months is a cause for lament, but we are especially troubled by an injury to Jose Altuve’s thumb. He was plunked by a pitcher while playing for Team Venezuela against Team USA in the World Baseball Classic. Even after two months of healing, he’s expected to need rehab and some time ramping up in the minor leagues. The silver lining from this high-profile injury could be better digital awareness and safeguards. This town in particular has a problem. Every time University of Houston fans flash their flippant gesture memorializ­ing Shasta’s lost toe, we shiver. Respect the phalanges.

When Aaron Hernandez, a senior at Dekaney High School in Spring ISD, learned he had received a $100,000 college scholarshi­p, he wondered if he was in a dream. He’s worked 30 hours per week since he turned 16 while earning a 4.0 grade point average. “This changes everything,” he said. “I can put more money towards helping my family.” After high school, Hernandez is headed off to Lewis & Clark College in Portland, Ore., where he hopes to get into artificial intelligen­ce because he says it “will not only support me financiall­y but being able to apply philosophy and sociology into AI is just brilliant and mind-boggling.” This audacious fellow seems an apt choice for a scholarshi­p named for the late C. Jackson Grayson, a Houstonian who at various points in his career served as a reporter, an FBI agent, a Nixon Cabinet member and a business school dean who hoped to live to 113 when he could get replacemen­t body parts. Maybe Hernandez will find a way to recreate an AI version of his benefactor.

Whataburge­r came out on top of a list of healthiest cheeseburg­ers. Is that a good thing? The ranking came from gambling.com. Perhaps the site’s next ranking should be of blandest salsas or slowest roller coaster rides. No surprise Whataburge­r appears to have exercised its right to remain silent on this dubious honor.

 ?? Colleen Baker/Staff composite ?? Clockwise from top left: Jose Altuve injured; Whataburge­r claims “healthiest cheeseburg­er”; “Lonesome Dove” fails GOP test; Mr. Pickles is a proud papa.
Colleen Baker/Staff composite Clockwise from top left: Jose Altuve injured; Whataburge­r claims “healthiest cheeseburg­er”; “Lonesome Dove” fails GOP test; Mr. Pickles is a proud papa.

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