The worse candidate, ever
Could there be a worse political candidate? Could there be any person any less qualified, both professionally and psychologically, for elective office?
That’s why I have laughed off, and I mean literally laughed off, a couple overtures in recent years from people representing groups that wanted me to consider running for fairly significant political offices.
Heck, I said, I wouldn’t even vote for myself. Why would anyone else vote for me?
There are countless reasons I would be terrible elected official. One would be that I was ADHD before ADHD was a thing. I’m probably the only student in the history of the Antioch (California) Unified School District who consistently had both a 4.0 GPA and a 4.0 PSPS (Principal Swats Per Semester.)
When I was a reporter I found it nearly impossible to sit through any city council or other civic board meeting. Half the time I wanted to kill myself and the other half I wanted to kill the politicians, all of whom had to make an inane comment on every single matter, including what brand of bus tires to buy. I quickly got myself shifted to the police beat, where the action was fast and furious, where people actually did kill each other.
While scrutiny in local and regional political races is not what it is in statewide and national races, I have quite a record, and I’m not talking just about my police record. Yes, I would have to admit, I’ve been taken into custody by the constabulary a couple times, but I have no felony convictions, and let me stress the “felony” and “convictions” in the previous clause.
About a decade ago, when I was the editor at this newspaper, a reporter, a much larger and younger man than I, made some uncommonly ugly remarks about people who are close to me. In response, I threatened to batter him mercilessly. The police were called, and while I was not arrested, I was suspended from work for a week, without pay. (In retrospect, it was worth every penny of it.)
I also have been in a few brawls on local basketball courts over the years, none of which I started but all of which I participated in with uncommon enthusiasm.
Nothing mentioned in the preceding paragraphs is a secret. On top of all of that, I’ve written a weekly newspaper column for nearly 25 years and I’ve not exactly pulled punches there, either. All of those columns are on the record, one way or another.
It wouldn’t be hard to find a lot of untoward or just plain stupid things I’ve written over the years. That’s why columnists and broadcast commentators, for all their opinions, rarely run for anything, because every idiotic thing they’ve ever said or written can be uncovered.
Then there is the issue of which party would support my candidacy.
I went to a local Democratic Party function in Brawley once and was told by a party leader that the local Democrats would prefer not being publicly associated with someone like me, meaning, specifically, me, so would I please leave.
I went to a Republican function in Holtville years ago and several people threatened to attack me. This was only weeks after I spoke at a civic club meeting in Holtville and was shouted down by the audience and later challenged to a fight by a club member in the parking lot.
So even if I could get a political party behind my candidacy, I don’t think I would run well in the Holtville precincts.
But don’t worry, voters. The only thing I’ll ever be running for is my computer keyboard.
Bret Kofford teaches writing at San Diego State University-Imperial Valley campus. His opinions don’t necessarily reflect those of SDSU or its employees. Kofford can be reached at Kofford@roadrunner.com