Teaching children unintended lessons

As parents, we sometimes joke about telling children to “Do as I say, not as I do.” We admit to ourselves that we are not always a model for the way we want our children to behave. Those of us who are parents are all too aware of the role of imitation in children’s learning.

Often, we think about it as children learning things we don’t like from others. Such as, “He learned those words from the kids in school.” Or, “She picked that up from the child next door.” We worry about what our children are learning from what they see on television or in the movies.

But how about the things they learn by imitating us? Imitation is part of most learning, beginning early on. See how intently a baby studies your face when you babble and coo at her. Children copy the names we give to things, watch the way we do many things, such as learning to eat with utensils, manipulate objects, even turning on the remote control to the TV.

They also learn things we may not be aware we are teaching them. Have you ever asked a family member to tell someone on the phone you are not in because you don’t want to talk to her? Have you ever written a note to school saying your child was home with a cold when in reality a conflicting family plan had been made? Have you ever told someone her outfit was beautiful when you thought it most

unattractive?

Little white lies seem to be part of what makes the world go around, avoiding hurting people’s feelings and at times smoothing difficult situations for ourselves. But our children are also getting the message that this is the way to handle things — and they don’t always apply what they see in ways of which we approve. Children often skirt the truth as a way to avoid parental disapproval or anger.

“Did you take your brother’s toy?” “No, he lost it.” Or, “Who turned the TV on?” “I didn’t do it!” Or the old joke, “The dog ate my homework.” Children are at times accused of lying in such situations and are disapproved of strongly. We criticize them when they tell untruths to avoid blame or punishment. Yet it is not clear to them how this differs from some of the things they have seen us do, or the way we have handled certain situations.

We learn in life that it would not always be helpful or useful to be completely honest with everyone about everything. Everything is not black or white, and part of maturity is learning to respond appropriately depending on the circumstances. Children are more concrete, and do tend to see things as black or white — shades of grey are more elusive. One way we can help them learn is to become clearer ourselves about what we are doing and the ways in which our children may be imitating us.

This happens on so many levels, not just the little white lies, but the way we respond to a request for a favor from a friend or the beggar on the street, from the things we choose to buy or not buy, even the general way we interact with others — those we know as well as those we don’t.

Whether we like it or not, too often the real message our children take from us is, “Do as I do, not as I say.” That is the message children get — even when we don’t realize we are delivering it. Elaine Heffner, LCSW, Ed.D., is a psychotherapist and parent educator in private practice, as well as a senior lecturer of education in psychiatry at Weill Cornell Medical College. Dr. Heffner was a co-founder and served as director of the Nursery School Treatment Center at Payne Whitney Clinic, New York Hospital. And she blogs at goodenoughmothering.com