Major issues probed today
Before we all die in nuclear war, I want to get a couple of important things off my chest. The first one is about toilet lid covers and how dangerous they can be to those of us of the male persuasion. Before we discuss the dangers, though, I want to state that I don’t see the point of using such covers. It’s a toilet. We all have toilets. We all use toilets. We all know what goes into toilets. And putting a colorful, fuzzy or furry doodad or thingamajig on a toilet is not going to make people think it’s anything different.
I don’t believe women, who tend to be the ones who purchase and then put the fuzzy, furry things on toilet lids, have any idea of how dangerous these doohickeys are to men’s collective manhood. When we get in our stances to empty our bladders, the last thing we expect is for the toilet seat to come bouncing back down in the general area of our urinating mechanisms. But that’s exactly what happens after a toilet lid cover is freshly installed.
When we try to push the seat back up, it doesn’t stay in place because the toilet lid cover prevents it from doing so. Women don’t know this because women, and Tucker Carlson, sit when they pee. And men know the price they pay when they don’t lift the toilet seat to do their business, so we push it up. Usually.
When toilet lid covers are keeping toilet seats from staying in place, men have two choices. They can physically hold up the lid while peeing, but that messes up a man’s whole stance, a stance he’s been cultivating for decades. Adjustments can mean streams firing in all directions. I’ve never misfired under such circumstances, of course, but I’ve heard that other men have.
The lone alternative is men can adjust the toilet seat covering, which means taking it halfway off so the seat will stay up, then do their business.
Not one inclined to alter my well-defined stance, I’ve been adjusting toilet lid covers for 26 years of marriage – yes, taking the covers partially off for more than two and a half decades – yet my wife and I have never discussed the matter. I guess we will now that I’ve blabbed about it to all seven of my regular readers.
Now I want to move onto another vital issue to mankind. I want to discuss something going on in that little thing that we write at the end of a letter or business email, which is called the “complimentary close.” (I didn’t know what it was called until I Googled it, to be honest.)
I’ve noticed in recent years that people are using the one-word complimentary close of “Best.” Maybe people were doing it before, but I didn’t notice. I get distracted easily. I probably was too aggrieved by the toilet lid cover issue to pay attention.
What does this “best” at the end of letters mean, exactly? Does it I’m the best? You’re the best? We’re the best? Does it refer to Georgie Best, RIP, international soccer star/international playboy? Does it refer to my boyhood friend Duffy “Tooter” Best? Does it refer to Best Foods? You want mayo on that complimentary close?
It is shorthand for “best wishes” or “wishing you the best” or something similar that actually makes sense? If so, just type in a few more words to make your complimentary close make sense. It won’t take much more time or effort. I promise.
You’ll survive. You probably won’t survive the coming nuclear Armageddon, but writing a few more words instead of just “Best” won’t kill you. Sincerely,
Yes, sincerely,
Bret
Bret Kofford teaches writing and film classes at San Diego State University-Imperial Valley. His opinions on complimentary closes in letters, toilet lid covers and nuclear Armageddon don’t necessarily reflect those of SDSU or its employees. Kofford can be reached at Kofford@roadrunner. com