Losing my friend
Ilost a lifelong dear friend in a local doctor’s office last week. Yes, I lost my best friend, Gluten, during a visit to my doctor. The sad thing is I didn’t even know my best buddy Gluten existed until a few years ago, when people started talking about Gluten and how they were trying to separate themselves from Gluten.
After I found out who Gluten was, I realized how truly close we’d been throughout my life. Who loved Gluten more than I did? No one, I would reckon. Gluten is found in cookies, pies, pastries, donuts, bread and more cookies, all foods I deeply love and have adored since I was old enough to say my first word, which was “Mallomar.”
When waitresses and others would ask me in recent years if I wanted my food Gluten-free, I would say of course not. “I love Gluten so much,” I would exclaim in manic ardor. “Nab all of the Gluten from the food of those Gluten-free people and slap it on top of my waffles.”
For the last couple of months, though, I’ve been having extreme stomach problems. Would you like me to go into detail about all of that? I didn’t think so. Anyway, the stomach issues reached the point where I decided to go to my doctor, and since my doctor’s office is only about a five-minute drive from my home, I thought I might be able to make it without a pit stop.
The doctor and her team determined I could have one of a few different stomach issues, but I would need gastrointestinal lab tests done to determine specifically which problem it is. Because it would take some time for the tests to come back and a diagnosis to be made, the doctor told me I should go on a Gluten-free diet in the meantime.
I might be able to go back to eating Gluten again if the stomach issue is not Gluten-related, but I’ve been reading up a bit on my possible ailments, and the one of the elements for treatment for most is a Gluten-free diet. That would change my life greatly, along with costing several bakers in the Imperial Valley their jobs.
In the last year my doctor, wonderful woman that she is in that she is trying to keep me from dying, also has ordered me off red meat and other fatty foods because I have cholesterol issues, made me cut back on sweets because I was “pre-diabetic,” and now is telling me I have to leave my beloved friend Gluten for a while if not the rest of my life. All I can eat now are nuts, oats, fruit, vegetables, chicken and fish. I like all of those, but not as much as I love me a big ol’ maple bar.
Coincidentally, earlier in the day before I was told I have to give up mi amigo numero uno Gluten, my wife and I were waxing nostalgic about when we were kids and would eat those little individual Hostess cherry, apple, lemon and blueberry pies. We talked about how they made our younger selves ever-so-happy when we were lucky enough to eat one … or in my case, eat three. We agreed all of the little pies were good, but the cherry pies were the best, the true prize of the lot.
I haven’t had one of those little pies in years, but if the doctor determines my lifelong friendship with Gluten isn’t over, I’m going to walk out of the doctor’s office and find myself two of those little cherry pies, and one of those little apple pies, just for variety’s sake, and scarf them down in my car.
That’s because I deeply love Gluten, and I won’t give up Gluten without a bite.
Bret Kofford is a screenwriter and teaches writing and film classes at San Diego State University-Imperial Valley. His opinions about Hostess pastries don’t necessarily reflect those of SDSU or its employees. Kofford can be reached at Kofford@roadrunner.com