The joys of retirement?

The great thing about retirement is you can do all the things with your time that you’ve always wanted to do. In my case, that means more time for doing my own writing, along with reading novels, going to plays, concerts and great films, traveling to see friends and family and exploring exotic places.

The bad part about retirement is by the time you’re retired, you’re too old, tired, beaten up and/or sick to do many of the things you hoped to do.

One of the good things about living where we live now is there are many great plays, concerts and films to see. The problem is many plays and some movies start at 7:30 p.m., and most concerts in nightclubs don’t start until 9 or so. I’m at the age, though, where my body tells me to start getting ready for bed around 9:15 p.m.

There’s a solution for that with plays and movies, in that they usually have matinee performances, so we go to those regularly. The issue is many of us geezers enjoy afternoon naps, which means these matinee shows are often punctuated by the wheezing/whistling snores of codgers who’ve dropped into deep dreams of their glory days at Strawberry Alarm Clock concerts.

I proudly can say I’ve not yet fallen asleep during a matinee performance. OK, I haven’t fallen fully asleep. OK, maybe I did fall fully asleep, but I know I didn’t snore. Probably not, anyway.

Concerts in nightclubs don’t have matinee shows, and those shows start even later. The approach I take to that conundrum is to start drinking beer upon arrival at the show. Yes, that actually makes me sleepier, but that’s OK, because I really like beer.

Even my desires to write more in retirement has been compromised by being old, beaten up and sick. Nowadays I regularly go to doctor appointments when I could be writing.

I have high blood pressure, so I go in for checkups every three months. I have White Dude in the Desert Disease, also known as skin cancer, and I go in every 60 days to be checked for new malignancies. My teeth and gums are surrendering to time and rabid ice cream consumption, so I go to the dentist every 90 days, unless emergency tooth issues pop up – or pop out – in between.

The countless trips to the doctors have, however, have allowed me to indulge in more reading of novels, as I spend countless hours in waiting rooms. So there’s that.

I do have more time to travel, but the getting there is exhausting, whether by airplane or automobile. I need a couple days to recover, and by then it’s time to head home. Driving anywhere more than two hours away is an issue because my lower back tightens up from an old football injury, from back when we thought concussions were a badge of honor. That’s what I vaguely recall, anyway. It’s all pretty hazy.

I truly believe I’m in better physical condition than most retirees because I work at it. I walk a lot, I ride my stationary bicycle daily, and I lift weights and swim three days a week. But that rigorous regimen may sometimes wear me out and make me susceptible to injury and illness.

I had a mean cold for four weeks recently, and I would say I’m over it but the phlegm remaining in my nose and chest won’t allow my fingers to type that. When I was finally getting over the worst of the nasty cold, I badly tore my trapezius muscle, which meant I could hardly move my neck and shoulder for a couple weeks. (Note to readers: Don’t tear your trapezius. It really hurts.)

So I’ve spent the last six weeks of retirement either sick or injured.

I would continue with more stories about my aches and pains, my maladies and diseases, but I’m ready for a nap right now.