Mom unable to forgive or forget

I’m a recovering alcoholic who has been sober for more than 12 years. My road to sobriety has been long and dark, but I am proud of turning my life around and staying sober. My problem is how my mother treats me about it. She keeps reminding me of all the mistakes I made and the people I hurt when I was still drinking.

I also struggle with manic depression and have a hard enough time forgiving myself for my past actions, let alone having someone continually bring up every single one. I try every day to be a better person, and I’m an open book when it comes to my life and flaws.

My mother constantly accuses me of falling into my old habits and says I’m lying about it, even though she’s been given truth and proof that I’m not. It’s to the point where she’s so in my head and cruel with the things she says that I’m spiraling back into depression, which is taking a toll on

DEAR ABBY >> my confidence and mental health.

I have tried cutting her out of my life, but I live with a family member she’s close to, so she shows up at our house and continues her belittling. I’m starting to lose patience and also my sanity. What do you do? Please help!

Columnist

— Still Staying Sober

Understand that your toxic mother may have some kind of fixation on torturing you. When she shows up, absent yourself immediately. From your experience, you know she’s the kind of person who drives others to drink, so involve yourself with her as little as possible. Your sobriety and sanity depend on it.

DEAR SOBER >>

My fiance and I are going back and forth about setting a date for our wedding. We have begun arguing lately about normal relationship issues. He calls them fights, when all I’m trying to do is express my feelings so we get on

DEAR ABBY >> the same page. Then, instead of talking, he shuts down and clams up. It makes me crazy.

Now he’s saying he won’t set a date until our relationship is “healthy.” He says we fight too much; I think it’s a lack of communication. Please help.

— Destination Unknown in New Jersey

Tell your fiance you think he was absolutely RIGHT when he told you he didn’t want to set a wedding date until your relationship is “healthy.” (I agree, by the way.) Tell him you love him and how important you feel communication is in any relationship. Then suggest the two of you seek premarital counseling.

Premarital counseling allows couples to preempt issues that could cause problems in a marriage. If your fiance’s method of handling disagreements is to shut down, there may be a way to correct it during some of those sessions.

DEAR D.U. >>

Contact Dear Abby at Dearabby.com.