– Mystified Mom
Dear Annie: Dear Annie: Several years ago, at a party of 50-some people, my daughter brought up politics and confronted me about my political pick. I tried to assuage her emotions, but she kept on. I finally decided it was best to leave as her hostility was becoming more pronounced. I got my coat to leave with a friend when she got in my face and declared in a loud voice, “We never liked each other. We just pretend to like each other.”
My mother died a few weeks later. When my daughter learned her grandma was dying, she texted me an apology that seemed very sincere. Four years later, I stopped by my daughter’s house to see if she wanted to have lunch. No to lunch, but she did begin rambling from one negative subject to another – all of which she assigned the blame to me. “You put 90-year-old grandma in assisted living” (she had a broken hip); “You caused me to lose a million dollars” (she and her husband did not buy a house in New York); “’Tom’ was my best friend” (someone she dumped as soon as she met her husband), and so I decided it was time to leave.
As I am heading to the door, she says the reason she is really mad is because I told her sisters that I love her children – yes, – more than I love her sister’s children! I was shocked! I told her I never said that. She, at that point, was on my heel as I tried to leave. She was inches from me, and I was pretty sure she wanted to hit me. I called for her husband, and she laughed in my face and said, “He doesn’t care!” I left quickly. She has never apologized.
I do things with the kids and her husband but am not invited inside their home, so it is clear she does not want me there. I drop off presents for all at Christmas, Easter, etc., still to be kind. I spend holidays alone or with my other daughter in another state. Her dad committed suicide when she was in fourth grade, so I try to just deal with her outbursts, but these are overwhelming.
I’m seeing a therapist after this last incident as I was totally shocked and depressed. As a Christian, naturally, I do not believe in retaliating and have sent her a text apologizing for mistakes made after I lost my husband, but there’s been no response. Is there anything else I can do to improve this relationship? At this point, I am afraid to be alone with her. I am healthy and 74, and she is 45 and undergoing menopause at a young age. Still, as a teenager, she was violent toward me and destructive at times. Thank you for your help.
Dear Mystified: I’m so sorry. It’s clear how much you love your daughter and her family, and just how much her words and actions have hurt you over the years.
As painful and difficult as it is to grapple with, especially when our children are involved, relationships are two-way streets. If your daughter is unwilling to meet you halfway, there’s not much more you can do except hope and wait for her to make her way back to you.
For now, choose to focus on yourself and your healing. Therapy is a great outlet, as is spending time with your other children and grandchildren, pursuing friendships and devoting time to your faith.
“Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book – featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette – is available as a paperback and e-book. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@ creators.com. To find out more about Annie Lane and read features by other Creators Syndicate columnists and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators. com.
(March 21 to April 19) A heads-up alert to all free-spirited Ewes and Rams: Be wary of a deal that could result in compromising your independence. Check every detail before making a commitment.
(April 20 to May 20) New facts emerge that help put an irksome workplace situation in perspective. Meanwhile, pay more attention to a family member who needs your wisdom and strength.
ARIES TAURUS
(May 21 to June 20) A slight setback in plans is nothing to worry about. Use this delay to deal with a number of matters you might have ignored for too long. Expect news from someone in your past.
(June 21 to July 22) You’re entering a period of stability. Use it to straighten out any outstanding problems related to a very personal situation. Also, pay closer attention to financial matters.
(July 23 to August 22) As much as you love being a social Lion, you might well benefit from staying out of the spotlight for a while. You need
CANCER
time to reflect on upcoming decisions.
(August 23 to September 22) A difficult family situation improves, thanks to your timely intervention. You can now start to focus more of your attention on preparing for a possible career change.
(September 23 to October 22) An onthe-job change works to your benefit by offering new opportunities. It’s up to you to check them out. Meanwhile, a stalled romantic situation starts up again. some
(October 23 to November 21) That flare-up of Scorpian temperament cools down, leaving you more receptive to suggestions about changes that might need to be made in your personal life. (November 22 to December 21) An unusual period of indecisiveness is a mite frustrating. But things soon clear up, allowing the sage Sagittarian to make those wise pronouncements again.
(December 22 to January 19) You might feel that you know best, but it’s not a good idea at this time to try to force your opinions on others. Best advice: Inspire change by example, not by intimidation.
(January 20 to February 18) Some setbacks could affect your plans to fortify your financial situation. But things start moving again by early next week. Meanwhile, enjoy your resurgent social life.
(February 19 to March 20) Show that often-hidden steely spine of yours as you once again stand up to an emotional bully. You’ve got the strength to do it, especially as friends rally to your side.
Your ruling planet, Mercury, endows you with a gift for writing. Have you considered penning the world’s greatest novel?