Things said in Washington should stay in Washington
“Hello, hello, is this microphone on? Yes. Great. Sorry, I’m new at this. First speech in the hallowed U.S. House of Representatives. Let me start by thanking the Honorable Lady Over There Running Things since we are still trying to elect a Speaker of the
House. I would also like to thank those great-looking, well-dressed young folks who showed me the way to this great chamber in this historic building.
“Before I get to the serious issues we are facing in this, the Cradle of
Democracy, I want to just say I am extremely impressed by this building.
Man oh man, this thing is huge and majestic and beautiful. You see it on TV but it just doesn’t do it justice. And there are all sorts of hallways and offices and stairways and big rooms with statues and paintings. Wow. Impressive. Easy to get lost in, as I and those young folks can tell you. Anyway, I’m proud to serve in such a spectacular building.
“While I’m thanking folks, I want to double down on thanking those young tour guides. Oh, someone said they are pages. OK, sort of like in a Royal Court, eh? Oh page, bring me some roasted beast. Just kidding. Any who, speaking of roasts, let me tell you that is one dandy cafeteria or lunchroom or whatever its called. Great food and all you can eat. Wonderful.
“Hey, did you realize Washington, D.C., is sort of in the south? Yep, Virginia and Maryland surround it.
“OK, on to my maiden speech on the floor of the House. When I got elected I told the five rich guys in my district and the half dozen corporations who bankrolled my campaign that I would do them proud by getting up here to the podium and making a speech in the Sacred Hall of Democracy, the House of Representatives. I would like to name those backers by name … oh wait, I’ve been told I can’t do that. Okie dookie. Getting used to the rules, so excuse me.
“Despite not naming names, this speech won’t go to waste. No sir. My campaign manager, who is actually my nephew, said C-Span runs congressional speeches and he can use the footage and cut it and Photoshop it or something and make me look real good for the folks back home. He’s a millennial, so he’s real handy with Facebook, and Instagram and Twitter and TicTok, and all those virtual digital viruses. Oh, wait, did we ban TikTok because it’s based in China? OK, I’ll get someone to check that.
“I wanted to start my speech with some words of wisdom from our great Founding Fathers. And they were all Fathers, right? No women in that room. Those were the days, eh? By the way, did you know most of those guys were lawyers? Crazy, right? That must be why there are all these rules and laws and courts and judges and stuff. Any who, my new intern forgot to Google ‘Wise Quotes About Democracy By The Founding Fathers,’ so I’ll just say this is the greatest country ever and we are part of a long line of dedicated public servants dating back, well, a long, long time. Longer than this spectacular building has been here, right?
“OK, on to my contribution to the serious business at hand. Oh, wait a minute. The Honorable Lady Over There Running Things is signaling that my time is up. That I need to wrap it up. OK then, don’t want to slow down the gears of Democracy, and really don’t want to miss dinner. It’s prime rib night at the cafeteria.
“To sum up, it’s an honor to be a member of this historic House of Representatives. And I’ll see everyone back home at the next Lion’s Club meeting. God bless the United States of America.”
(Jon Klusmire of Bishop will be applying for speechwriting jobs in the House of Representatives because he hears the grub is good.)