An in-law’s unfiltered comment leaves a mark

DEAR AMY >> I am shocked and hurt by comments my brother-in-law made to me during the recent otherwise wonderful trip my husband and I took with him and my sister.

He is the most physically healthy of all of us, but perhaps he is losing his filters as we aging people sometimes do.

We live in separate states and have traveled extensively as couples over the last 15 years. Both couples have been married for 50 years.

We have a great time together. I thought we always enjoyed each other’s company.

At the end of our most recent trip (outside of others’ hearing) my brother-in-law insisted that I had married the wrong person. I was shocked, denied this, but was too taken aback to ask why he thought this.

I love my husband. He is a wonderful, loving, kind and generous man.

I have been obsessing, perhaps grieving, over this comment.

I wonder if we should stop traveling together, though this would be very painful for at least three of us.

What should I say or do?

— Saddened and Hurt

DEAR SADDENED >> The first thing you should do is examine why this comment has caused you to grieve so deeply.

My perspective is that many very happily married people are hitched to partners whom others would deem “wrong.”

Confronted with this unsolicited opinion after 50 years of happy marriage might inspire you more toward laughter than grief. Your brotherin-law is wrong, and you took the opportunity in the moment to tell him so. Good for you!

You have a burning desire to learn why he said this, but ask yourself: What good would it do?

Keep in mind, too, that this comment does not mean that your brotherin-law doesn’t like your husband; just that in his (flawed and possibly fleeting) opinion, you should have married someone else.

I think you should chalk this comment up to an elder person’s lowered filter. Taking into account all of the variables, if you still feel compelled to ask about this, do so. There is some likelihood that he will either deny — or will not remember — having made the comment that has caused you so much angst.