Still not sure what all I want for Christ­mas


I did not camp out at Wal­mart in an­tic­i­pa­tion of a great deal on a gi­ant screen TV on Black Fri­day.

I don’t need a TV and I have no camp­ing equip­ment. I also would be wor­ried about get­ting pneu­mo­nia or be­ing beaten up in a riot over a good deal on a lava lamp.

So I passed on the gala that has be­come the start of the Of­fi­cial Christ­mas Shop­ping Sea­son.

I also passed on Cy­ber-Mon­day. This is when you can get super deals on things on­line.

I’m not good at shop­ping on­line. Some­times I’m not sure if I’ve or­dered some­thing so I’ll keep click­ing on it. This leads to me get­ting three or four items of the same thing. I’m a guy, so I don’t send things back.

I don’t think the de­pic­tions of the items I may want are the same as what I think they are any­way.

Also, I don’t shop on­line as much any­more since, while I was hal­lu­ci­nat­ing from chemo­ther­apy, I bought a pick-up truck. I con­fine my­self now to mainly just or­der­ing books for my Kin­dle. I screw that up some­times too.

I’m just not a shop­per. When I do go out to shop at Christ­mas I’m al­ways amazed at all the neat stuff that’s avail­able. So some­times I’ll buy some­thing for my­self with­out re­al­iz­ing that it’s no longer in fash­ion if I think it’s neat.

Christ­mas used to be so much more fun when I was a kid and ev­ery­thing seemed so mag­i­cal. I never knew what I was go­ing to get from Santa Claus, who seemed to put a lot of em­pha­sis on whether I had been a “good boy” or not. Now, I re­al­ize that he was be­ing ex­tremely judg­men­tal and that this was a form of mi­croag­gres­sion.

Some years stand out, the Davy Crock­ett year was neat be­cause I got a coon­skin cap, a mus­ket and a pow­der horn. This made me feel great and it was ef­fec­tive, too, be­cause even to this day there are no bears in the neigh­bor­hood.

One year I got an “English” bike which had three gears and thin tires. This was to re­place my old fat tire bike, which had used up its use­ful­ness. The first time I rode my new “English” bike, I got a flat tire. The bi­cy­cle pump at­tached to the frame should have given me an in­di­ca­tion of what was to come.

As I got older my Christ­mas presents tended to be more sports-ori­ented. So one year I got a com­plete Bal­ti­more Colts uni­form which in­cluded a hel­met (with the horse- shoe), shoul­der pads, a jer­sey (num­ber 19, of course) and a pair of pants. An­other fa­vorite was the year I got my first real leather base­ball glove, a Son­net Har­vey Kuenn model.

Then as a teenager, my op­tions were lim­ited to clothes and per­sonal hy­giene items. I may still have bot­tles of Ca­noe, Jade East, Hai Karate and English Leather cologne. They were dis­tinc­tive in that they would make your eyes wa­ter.

But now since I don’t get out much, the only items I see that I need come from TV com­mer­cials on the lim­ited num­ber of chan­nels I do watch. I’m guess­ing here, but I think the de­mo­graph­ics of these pro­grams may be for an older au­di­ence.

How­ever, I have no­ticed that I have “crepe skin.” I didn’t re­al­ize this until for­mer Olympic skater Dorothy Hamill pointed it out to me. Dorothy over­came this hor­ri­ble con­di­tion by us­ing a skin cream that makes her look great.

I also suf­fer from bags un­der my eyes. For­tu­nately, through the power of TV, I re­al­ized I can fix this in un­der five min­utes with a mirac­u­lous anti-bag­ging cream.

There also are prod­ucts to help with my dex­ter­ity, hear­ing and eye­sight.

Ac­tu­ally, I re­al­ize that I’d prob­a­bly feel bet­ter and buy less if I just didn’t watch tele­vi­sion.

Good thing I didn’t spend the night at Wal­mart.

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