Political differences puzzle and muzzle longtime friend

DEAR AMY » This summer, I chose to invite lifelong friends for a week at a mountain cabin.

Knowing that they are ultraconservative and evangelical, I decided to keep my mouth shut and listen.

Listening became difficult when I was sitting at a table in the main room and the other two, not far away in the sitting area, engaged in a critical dissection of a former neighbor’s marriage to another woman (and their new son).

I said nothing, but I found it puzzling, as well as offensive, since the woman discussed happens to be my cousin.

Why would anyone do such a thing? I was sitting six feet behind them. I said nothing.

— Puzzled in North Carolina DEAR PUZZLED » I support your idea to engage in some active listening, which can help to promote tolerance and understanding.

The “shutting up” part of your program makes no sense to me, however.

Your scenario presupposes that remaining silent while overhearing people critically “dissect” a family member is somehow worse than passively listening while the same people express bigotry toward strangers.

“Ultraconservative and evangelical” people are tasked with the same duties, burdens and privileges as you are: to love and respect fellow human beings. If your friends choose not to recognize, love and respect the basic humanity of people they disagree with, then they should be called out and challenged on their beliefs and behavior.

Plus, gossiping about and armchair-critiquing others while lounging in comfort in someone else’s vacation home is bad form. They don’t sound like gracious guests but — because of your silence — they’ve been denied access to your point of view and a possible course correction.

DEAR AMY » The note from “Seen it All” centered on how to respond to irate customers.

Many years ago, while working for the nation’s largest airline, all public contact managers and frontline customer agents were provided with several training sessions, which focused on the difference between sympathy and empathy when responding to difficult, mishandled or irate customers. This also applies to everyday staff interactions within a company ... or even at home.

A sympathetic answer would be, “I’m sorry you were asked to do that.”

An empathetic response tends to calm things down before asking, “What would you like me to do?”

Here’s an example: “I don’t blame you for feeling that way. I’d probably feel the same. How can we resolve this to your satisfaction?” Or, “How can we handle this differently in the future?”

— Steve in Tulsa, OK DEAR STEVE » I agree that these approaches would work well at home, too.

You can contact Amy Dickinson via email: askamy@amydickinson. com and follow her on Twitter @askingamy.