Broccoli works, until Mr. Oreo arrives

DEAR AMY >> My husband and I watch our grandsons (ages 3 and 5) twice a week.

We do this so our daughter can save on daycare expenses.

We bring the kids two snacks each time we are with them.

I choose a snack that is always healthy, like fruit, and my husband's choice is not healthy é usually cookies.

My daughter complains to me about her father's choices.

I have told her to talk to him. She does, and he ignores her.

He tells me that it makes him happy to give the kids something they view as a treat.

Since it is only twice a week, he doesn't think it is a big deal. He says that if it is a big deal, our daughter can send the kids to daycare every day.

I see both points of view and think this issue has been blown out of proportion.

I am tired of being in the middle of this.

Any ideas on how to resolve this?

— Snacked

DEAR SNACKED >> If your husband didn't ply the kids with cookies, any healthy snack delivered by Grandpa would be considered “a treat.” Kids are like that. They can happily eat broccoli trees dipped in yogurt é until Mr. Oreo comes to town. I won't waste your time suggesting healthy alternatives to cookies, because your husband has basically decided that his pleasure and esteem is so cheap that it can be obtained through being a sweets dispenser to toddlers. That's lazy, but unless they have health issues, a few cookies won't harm these children.

Your husband also doesn't respect his own daughter's wishes. That's a pretty obvious power move, possibly because he wants to see himself as a loving and indulgent grandpa, versus providing daycare on a schedule.

You should hope that he doesn't take this disrespect further, toward choices that are less benign. After all, when he was a kid every child ate cookies for a snack, and no one rode in a car seat.

However, he is right in this regard. If your daughter does not like being disrespected in this way, she has options.

You say you are in the middle of this, but that's a choice, too. If your daughter complains about this, tell her to “take this up with your father.”

DEAR AMY >> Thank you for your compassionate response to “Feeling Helpless,” the grandparents who are balking at sharing the expense of in-patient residential mental health treatment for their grandson.

Any reputable program should have a robust support system for affected families; they should also be able to make excellent recommendations about next steps, both during and after treatment.

— Been There

DEAR BEEN THERE >> I'm genuinely sorry you have “been there,” and I hope the treatment your family member received worked for all of you.