Volatile relationship benefits from separation

DEAR AMY >> I am a 35-year-old professional woman, recently separated from my husband of nine years.

Our marriage has been rife with volatility due to his uncontrollable anger and my tumultuous relationship with alcohol during our relationship.

That being said, we have worked through most of our issues. He's my best friend.

I'm in therapy and have a treatment team that has helped me to overcome my alcohol abuse disorder, as well as years of insecurity, codependency, and anxiety.

I am in a good place and no longer have room in my life for violence, anger, and abuse.

My husband and I recently got into an argument where he put his hands on me to remove me from a room.

I was shocked that he would put his hands on me during an argument where we were both sober and working at home.

He has since been apologetic and has enrolled in anger management therapy. I've wanted him to do this for years, but I fear it might be too late.

I have a graduate degree and am an assertive, independent woman who doesn't take any nonsense.

With this situation, however, I feel anything but those things.

Am I completely off my rocker to think things might still work between us? Or should I cut my losses and try to start my life over?

— Woeful Woman

DEAR WOEFUL >> You should not risk your physical or emotional safety é or your sobriety — in order to live with your husband.

Based on your narrative, it seems that the majority of your time together has been marked by anger and strife — on both sides. Can you two move forward in a relationship where many of the triggers might remain, but all of your familiar coping mechanisms have been removed? You'll have to see.

If you are working your sobriety program, I assume that you have become acquainted with the “one day at a time” model.

My point is that thinking of this as all-or-nothing might not be the wisest course right now.

You and he should remain separated so you can both experience what life is like when you're actually living differently as individuals in recovery.

The answer to your dilemma is likely to present itself over the course of the next six months or so.

Even if you decide to permanently part, you should not have to surrender your friendship.