Mom, daughter want to move on

DEAR AMY >> I'm a 33-yearold woman. My daughter is 11.

She and I live with my parents.

My parents own the house, and I pay them rent each month.

Both of my parents are in their early 70s. My father works part time.

They don't seem to need the extra money that my rent provides (they are always buying new games and gadgets for themselves).

I want to have my own life. I want to move into my own apartment, with my daughter.

I searched for apartments, made a budget, and I even concluded that I would continue to pay my parents the rent money I currently pay, so they wouldn't be without that income.

When I told my parents of my plan to move out, they gave me this story about how sad they would be, and how they feel like I'm abandoning them at their time of need.

I don't supply anything but money. I don't take them to doctor appointments or the grocery store.

I'm usually at work during the day. My mom homeschools my daughter, and I wasn't planning to change that.

I just have a need for my own place and want to move out on my own.

How can I help my parents to be more comfortable with this?

— Mother/Daughter

DEAR MOTHER/DAUGHTER >>

Your parents have a considerable attachment and emotional stake in you and your daughter.

That's how parents and grandparents roll! It's not just about the rent money you pay to them. They are attached to you. Their lifetime investment is in you.

And just as parents sometimes give their children a gentle nudge out of the nest (saying, “You can do it!”), you are going to go through a reverse of that process.

Offer your gratitude: “We could not have gotten this far without you.”

Offer an affirmation of their feelings: “I know this will be an adjustment for all of us. I'm going to miss you, too.”

Offer lots of reassurance: “We'll still see you almost every day, and

I'll always be there if you need me, just as you've always been there for me.”

And then — make your plan, don't let them manipulate you, and start the next chapter of your life.

DEAR AMY >> “Past Completed” reported that three bullies from her past reached out to her for forgiveness.

In your response, you mentioned that you believed the pandemic had caused many people to reflect on their actions.

It occurs to me that a lot of people are using the pandemic as an excuse for all sorts of things.

How long do you think this will continue?

DEAR WONDERING >> I plan to keep it up as long as possible.