Marrying woman worries about who will pay

DEAR AMY >> Recently my partner and I got engaged. (We're both women.)

My parents won't attend our wedding for religious reasons.

If it was just us paying for the wedding, we'd be going to city hall and a bar afterward with friends. (I am a full-time grad student.)

My partner's parents are willing to foot the bill. They've been supportive of our relationship and my career, treat me like family, and are financially able.

I'm wondering who I can/should invite?

I have a large out-oftown family who, unlike my parents, are supportive.

I'm self-conscious about putting people on my inlaws' tab, while my parents are not participating.

I want to express gratitude for their generosity, but expressing any preferences in planning feels bratty.

I know I'm running the risk of looking disinterested or ungrateful.

I'd rather avoid it all, but don't want my partner or her family to suffer from my parents' absence and their refusal to contribute.

Can you offer some direction?

— Bewildered

Bride

DEAR BEWILDERED >> I advocate for couples to finance their own weddings. This involves both parties fully participating to raise the money for their wedding and reception.

Couples sometimes do this by going to family members.

In “traditional” weddings, the bride's parents are expected to pay for the wedding reception, and so you could see this offer as hewing to a traditional practice.

They understand that this is a wedding involving you both.

What's missing here is your participation in the process. Your embarrassment regarding your parents' rejection seems to be suppressing your own obligation, which is to take part in the planning.

Communicating about this will be good practice for the rest of your marriage. You should express all of your concerns to your partner, and the two of you should have a fully transparent meeting with her parents. (Would any of your extended family members be able and willing to perhaps host a rehearsal dinner? This is something to discuss.)

It's important to understand that even if her folks are fully financing the wedding, you and your partner have equal rights to review your guest lists and work together to add to your lists — or winnow them down.

Depending on the budget, you both may be able to invite everyone you want to invite, and I hope you can.