Parent wonders whether to bail out daughter

DEAR AMY >> My daughter is 37, and has been married for 15 years. She and her husband have three boys, ages 13, 10, and 3.

She pursued a divorce in the most destructive way possible, by moving a male “friend” (who has three children of his own) into her marital home.

He needed lodging because of his pending divorce. My son-in-law allowed it. Later, when the “friend” moved into his apartment, my daughter moved in with him.

My daughter and sonin-law are now at the point where they need to decide who, if either of them, keeps the house.

Both of them want to buy the other out, but will not be able to do so without financial help from my husband and me.

To keep my grandsons in their home, I am inclined to assist my son-inlaw instead of my daughter. He has a well-paying job that negates the possibility of foreclosure, while my daughter has just entered the workforce and is making a low wage.

I don't see how she could possibly make house payments.

I am perfectly willing to help my daughter financially in other ways — with rent on an apartment, for instance.

I want what is best for my grandchildren. Should I butt out and let the home be sold and any profit divided between them?

Neither of them will find comparable living space they will be able to afford, and the children having to move and “downgrade” is distressing.

I'm trying to avoid a battle with my daughter, but she will be upset if we help her soon-to-be ex retain the house, no matter what we may offer to her. Butt in or stay out of it?

— Financially Secure

DEAR FINANCIALLY SECURE >> You are already quite involved in this split, but in my opinion, you should not offer to finance this house. For the time being, in order to keep the children in their home, the couple might consider “nesting,” which is when the kids stay in the house and the estranged parents trade off staying in the home. You might consider helping with rent on a small nearby apartment where the non-custodial parent will stay during the days the other is in the home with the kids.

Your daughter voluntarily left the home and partnered up with this “friend,” who has children. If she ended up owning the home, she could move this man (and possibly his kids) into the home; marking a major disruption for all of the children.

If you financed the house, you might be tempted to try to control who lives there, embroiling you further in this mess.

You can benefit the grandchildren (without interfering) by always welcoming them into your home as a never-changing and stable safe harbor.