Granddad tired of constant video calls

DEAR AMY >> My stepson and his wife and 3-yearold daughter live in Hawaii.

My wife and I are on the West Coast.

We visit them several times a year, and they visit over the Christmas holidays when they can.

The times we spend together are always warm and drama-free.

We're on good terms, and I adore them.

My one issue is our daughter-in-law. While sweet as she can be, she video calls every day, often more than once, to recite the minutiae of her day.

Honestly, it can be quite tedious.

Sure, it's good to see our toddler granddaughter, even when she's being difficult or disinterested, but these unscheduled video calls can run 10,

15, 20 minutes each, and too often happen during meals or when we're reading, watching television, or drifting off to sleep.

We have other children and grandchildren who we speak with about once a week. This amount of contact is delightful and reasonable.

I have gently mentioned the annoyance to my wife, who mostly agrees, but cannot bring herself to set a few boundaries for fear of hurting our daughter-inlaw's feelings.

After bringing it up several times, I realized that my prodding hurt my wife's feelings.

I will occasionally move to another room, but because these are video calls, it's difficult to disengage without showing my disinterest or annoyance.

I'd just like her to keep it “short and sweet.”

What do you think?

— Hanging Up

DEAR HANGING UP >> It sounds as if your daughterin-law is very lonely. She wouldn't be video chatting with her husband's folks twice a day if she had friends, other family, and other satisfying outlets.

Has your wife discussed this with her son? (Not the annoyance of the calls, but the issue of his wife's possible loneliness?)

Calling seems to be a lifeline for this mom, and your wife could ask her if she is involved in any playgroups or other activities with other moms and their children.

This mother likely gave birth during the height of the pandemic, and I wonder if this experience has made her self-isolate.

As the primary contact, your wife should encourage this young mom to find ways to connect with other families.

On your next visit, you grandparents should look at opportunities in her neighborhood with fresh eyes. Visits to the local playground can yield abundant friendships for both the child and the parents.

Here are ways to create boundaries if she is calling at an inconvenient time: “Oh, we're just sitting down to dinner. Is everything OK? Can we talk tomorrow?”

Additionally, I suggest that you”dial in” (pay close attention) for a few moments to make eye contact in a friendly, sincere, and open manner, and then go on your way.

You might also alter this dynamic if you initiate a call.

You can start by saying, “I just have a few minutes, but want to give you a quick hello. How's my adorable grandchild doing?”