Sister moved away, grows more distant

Dear Abby: My older sister “Olive” moved to the West Coast three years ago. My parents, my two older siblings and I live on the East Coast. During this past year, Olive has grown more and more distant.

Most recently, our extended family set up a Zoom call with about 30 of us. Everyone was able to make at least a portion of it, including all my cousins and aunts and uncles. Olive, however, said she will “be there next time” because she needed to do some mulching around her house and wanted to start limiting her screen time.

My parents, siblings and I have each talked with her directly about how blowing us off is hurtful and painful, yet she continues to do it. At this point, everyone is fed up, especially Mom, who got hung up on twice while trying to address these problems with Olive. What else can we do? — Fed-up Brother

Dear Brother: Do you know why your sister moved to the West Coast? Was it job-related, or could it have been that she needed space and didn’t feel she could have it if she lived closer?

A relative other than your mother who is close to Olive should give her a call and, in as gentle a manner as possible, explain that the family is worried about her and ask if anything is wrong that any of you can help with. She may be having a difficult time emotionally or she may simply crave space. But you won’t know until someone can get a straight answer.

Dear Abby: My husband’s sister is morbidly obese, and we are concerned about her health. We know her weight is a delicate topic, but if she were drowning in a lake instead of in fat, we would try to throw her the same kind of lifeline.

Can you please suggest a way to express our concern? — Scared for Sister-in-law

Dear Scared: Your sisterin-law is well aware that she is dangerously heavy, so this is a subject you can address only once without causing a rift. The message might be accepted better if it came from her brother, and it should be phrased something like this:

“I hope you know how much I love you. My wife and I are deeply concerned about your weight because we’re afraid we might lose you. If there are issues that have caused this, would you consider talking to a counselor about them? If your doctor can’t refer you to someone qualified, we can ask ours for some names. And if what I have said is hurtful, I sincerely apologize and hope you will forgive me. I won’t bring up the subject again.”