Husband’s emotional affair vexes wife

DEAR ABBY: After 40 years of marriage, I just found out my husband has been having an emotional affair, in addition to an actual girlfriend he had 15 years ago. I forgave him the last time. This time, he has only said he is wrong, but he hasn’t offered an apology.

How can this be resolved? I have removed my wedding rings and refuse to go to his family gatherings. I have read that if he doesn’t have remorse and ask for forgiveness, it just won’t work. Moreover, he blames me for his poor choices.

How do I gain his respect? How do you convince someone how badly they have hurt you, and get them to make better choices? — Wronged in Delaware

DEAR WRONGED: It may be time for some self-examination. Ask yourself what your husband may be looking for in these strictly emotional affairs. (I assume they aren’t physical, or you would have written otherwise.)

If you want to stay married to him, put those wedding rings back on and tell him it is apparent that you two aren’t communicating with each other effectively. Tell him you want to work to improve your marriage with the help of a marriage counselor. During those sessions, it will become apparent to him that you have been deeply hurt. However, be prepared to hear some critical comments. For many couples, this has healed an unhealthy relationship.

DEAR ABBY: It’s been more than three years since I have spoken to my former best friend. We were best friends for nearly 15 years. The friendship ended when we were in our early 20s because she didn’t like the men I was dating. I also didn’t agree with some of the choices she was making.

I miss my best friend. I saw her not long ago, and she didn’t look like herself. I was worried for her.

My life has evolved. I would like to share those experiences with someone I considered a best friend for so long. How do I share with her that I want to get back to where we used to be? — Lost friend in Missouri

DEAR LOST FRIEND: Call, tell her you saw her recently and ask how she’s doing. Suggest the two of you have lunch. If she agrees, during the lunch tell her you miss the close relationship you once had. Do not mention what caused the chill in your relationship or that she doesn’t look like herself.

If she brings it up, listen and tell her you think you have both grown since then.