Husband’s wistfulness for past love vexes wife

JEANNE PHILLIPS

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 14 years to a man who had two failed marriages. I never felt insecure in my married life until I read his answers to a Yahoo Answers poll that asked, “Do you dream about the one that got away?” and, “Have you found the love of your life?”

My husband responded that he thinks about her very often, especially on her birthday and Valentine’s Day. To the other question he replied he had found the love of his life, but the relationship had ended in divorce, which he admitted was his fault.

I know he was talking about his first wife. I feel so sad and insecure. How can I get over this? I no longer believe him when he says he loves me because I have proof that he hasn’t moved on yet. Please help. — Sad Heart in San Jose, Calif.

DEAR SAD HEART: Your husband posted those thoughts on a public forum? Rather than feel hurt and insecure, you should be furious.

By now it should be clear to you that you did not marry a rocket scientist. You have my sympathy because his first marriage has been over for nearly two decades and he — along with his obvious shortcomings — are no longer her problem, but yours. Your pain may lessen if you look at the bright side: He treats you well 363 days a year, and many of the women who write to me are not so lucky.

DEAR ABBY: I have been involved with a man in a longdistance relationship for two years. I care about him very much and I believe he cares for me.

Things were going great until he was devastated by a downturn in his business. He had planned to move here, but was unable to sell his home. We used to see each other every two weeks, but no longer. It has been almost two months. He calls once a week, but nothing else.

We have been close and he has shared his life, his worries and personal information with me. I haven’t pressured him and I don’t need a commitment now, although I would like one someday.

Abby, he seems to be drifting away. Is it OK to write to him, email him, send encouraging notes once a week and continue to support him? Is it too much to ask for more frequent communication from him? I have offered to travel the 1,000 miles, but he has evaded my offer. I’m not ready to walk away. — Holding on in Coastal California

DEAR HOLDING ON: It’s fine to be supportive, but don’t overwhelm him now. You may have to let this play out in its own time. Your friend may have retreated because he’s concentrating his energy on reviving his business. He may be licking his wounds or he may have met someone, which is why he discouraged your visit. That he still calls you is encouraging.

Because you have known him for two years, I recommend you simply ask him if he’s met someone else. If the answer is no, it will put your mind at ease. But if the answer is yes, at least you’ll be clear about what happened.