Avoid surprising roommates with guests

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When living with roommates, do I have to inform them when I have a guest spending the night? If I do, how much time in advance is appropriate?

GENTLE READER: While using a popular online language program, Miss Manners dutifully learned a sentence that she could not imagine anyone would have occasion to use, in any language. It was, “Who is that man in the bathtub?”

It might be better if that situation did not arise. Roommates need to agree on house rules, including a policy on guests — and apparently last-minute guests. It can be whatever you all agree on, but Miss Manners would think that “no surprises” would be a good guiding principle.

DEAR MISS MANNERS:

I know you take a dim view of people throwing birthday parties for themselves. However, I turn 70 years old soon and I want to throw a birthday party for myself; I will explain why.

In the past 50 years, I have lost all of the most important people in my life: all of my grandparents, both of my parents, three sisters, all of my aunts and uncles, a beloved cousin, my best friend, his brother, both of my college roommates, my oldest childhood friend, another childhood friend, and on and on. Many of my professional colleagues have also predeceased me.

I want to celebrate my

70th birthday with the few friends and family who remain. Why would this be wrong?

GENTLE READER:

The usual adult birthday party nowadays is in flagrant violation of the basic rules of hospitality. The celebrant directs others to pay not just honor, but costs, without even the choice of where and when that is to be. And expects presents in addition, because it is a birthday.

If by “throwing a party,” you mean that you are going to plan and sponsor a gathering for the enjoyment of your guests, you have Miss Manners’ blessing. She offers extra credit if you don’t call it a birthday party, so they don’t feel obligated to bring presents. At the party, you can then thank them for helping celebrate your birthday, and listen to them protest that they wish they had known before.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What do you think of the recent practice at wedding receptions for the bride and groom to sit at a small table on their own? Are they afraid of infecting others with their joy?

GENTLE READER: Or are they planning to enjoy a more expensive wine than they are serving to their guests?

Submit your etiquette questions to Miss Manners at dearmissmanners@gmail. com.