Saving benefit of doubt for use later
DEAR MISS MANNERS:
I submit that even if my conduct is incorrect, I am entitled to a presumption that said conduct is an honest mistake, unless the conduct is truly heinous. Of course, others are entitled to the same presumption from me. What do you think?
GENTLE READER: Miss Manners is always urging people to give minor transgressors the benefit of a doubt about whether they meant to be rude. The tendency to come out swinging makes for an unpleasantly abrasive society. And some who did intend to be rude will still accept the opportunity for a face-saving retreat when a transgression is treated as an inadvertent mistake.
However, Miss Manners would perhaps prefer that you apply this when necessary, rather than use it to build a case for yourself in advance.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Apparently at Thanksgiving, my husband’s sister winked at him and said, “You’ll have Thanksgiving at your house next year.” My husband said “OK” without even asking me.
I have not hosted an event like this in the time we have been together. I don’t necessarily have a problem doing it, but I feel he should have consulted me before agreeing. Especially since I have to shoulder the burden of the work.
He thinks he did nothing wrong because it was all in fun. My main argument is that if he thinks what he did was OK, what’s to stop him from making other plans without consulting me ?
Now he thinks I am a jerk. I tried to explain that most people would feel the way I do. How do you feel about this?
GENTLE READER: While Miss Manners agrees that spouses should consult each other about invitations, she would cut some slack for someone at a drawn-out meal cornered about an event in the distant future. This may be forgotten, or could be renegotiated. And if not, it gives your husband plenty of time to learn to cook.
DEAR MISS MANNERS:
Is it permissible to thank someone with a gift monogrammed with my initials, when those receiving the gift played an important role in a milestone ceremony in my life?
GENTLE READER: That graceful explanation does not strike Miss Manners as justification for re-gifting something obviously meant for you.
Mind you, she is not opposed to passing things on, provided that this is not made known to the recipient, and that the item will find a more welcome home. But something that requires such an explanation does not qualify.
Submit your etiquette questions to Miss Manners at dearmissmanners@gmail. com.