Do contacts want date or just coffee?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m a single professional woman in an industry where networks and relationships are extremely important. How should I respond when male professional contacts express an interest in meeting up, and I can’t tell if they mean professionally or as a date?

Although sometimes it’s clear, sometimes it’s for coffee or breakfast during the week, which could be either.

I have no problem firmly and clearly turning men down if they are aggressive or inappropriate, but sometimes they are nice people I respect and would like to continue being friendly with.

How can I ascertain what their intentions are? And what is a polite way to turn somebody down if I suspect they are interested in a date? I don’t want to risk saying I’m not interested in dating, when they could mean just a meeting!

GENTLE READER: There is so much pseudo-socializing in the workplace that Miss Manners worries that people don’t seem to know how to be pleasant in a businesslike way.

A polite response, when a colleague suggests meeting, is, “What would you like to discuss?” And if the gentleman looks blank, you can add, “I like to be prepared.”

But if he says, “I’d just like to get to know you better,” you know it is not really about business. And you can say cheerfully, “I don’t really stay around here socializing, but you can always stop by my desk.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I will be my best friend’s maid of honor. She and her fiance are in their early 30s. This will be his third marriage, and he has four kids.

They have both served in the Marines, but they were discharged for various reasons. Now, they do not work and are living with her parents.

My friend is now pregnant and has asked me to throw her baby and bridal showers. All her other friends have told her no. I love her dearly.

I am very busy. I am perplexed on how to go about these showers, since I don’t believe in showers for the third marriage and fifth child.

GENTLE READER: Then why are you hesitating? Nobody else did. And considering that she had to ask for such events, you might have trouble scaring up guests.

Miss Manners will take your word for it that you love this person dearly, despite your dismal report about her life. But that does not require you to undertake festivities for which you are too busy and of which you disapprove. Being busy is the only explanation you need mention.

Submit your etiquette questions to Miss Manners at dearmissmanners@gmail. com.