Shunning, shaming and cancel culture

DEAR MISS MANNERS:

It would seem that we have lost the art of social shunning.

I simply ignore and have nothing to do with bad people in public, or in my private life. As mentioned, you quickly move away in obvious horror from such people when you see or encounter them. They will eventually get it. If not, no loss to me.

Lost the art of social shunning?

On the contrary; it has spun out of control. There are two new versions: shaming and cancel culture. Miss Manners congratulates you for refraining from using these weapons casually.

For centuries, children born outside of marriage received lifetime stigmas. When bans and quotas against races or religions were legally challenged, codified bigotry persisted in private institutions, including not just clubs, but neighborhoods and schools.

And the ease of going public online has encouraged rash — and sometimes

GENTLE READER:

unfounded — judgments against individuals and businesses, without gradations of punishment suited to the severity of the transgression.

Vigilante rule is cruel and unjust. So: Is Miss Manners willing to surrender etiquette’s one weapon? No.

Much atrocious behavior has been exposed. Unmistakable photographic evidence has documented actions that had otherwise been easily denied.

Miss Manners lives in hope that people will learn to care enough about their reputations to curb their offensive words and deeds. But that requires a belief in reputations, and an adjustment on the part of well-meaning society to the popular concept of being nonjudgmental.

That must be the phenomenon to which you are referring: The charitable habit of nullifying misdeeds by conferring instant forgiveness, even for the unforgivable.

Deeds count. Miss Manners is bewildered by the current explanation of wrongdoers: “That is not who I am.”

Well, then, who is it who did what you did?

Miss Manners is not without mercy in viewing those accounts. She requires accusers to be sure of their facts and to keep their condemnation in proportion to the transgressions. She believes in redemption through remorse and reparations.

And she agrees with you about avoiding pointless street confrontations.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it polite to tell someone that their book has a typographical error?

GENTLE READER: Only when the book is being prepared for a second edition.