Relatives acting greedy, part 837
DEAR MISS MANNERS:
My mother-in-law made some horrible financial decisions. While we cannot fix her mistakes, we give her gifts in order to help her without treating her as a charity case. We also try to provide a few pleasant extras that she cannot afford. We neither expect nor want gifts in return.
Though not shy about handing out wish lists, she was never a gift-giver, so the one-sided dynamic is not new. What makes it hurtful is the way she tells us that she was going to pick us up a card or something, but she “didn’t feel like it.” And she can be counted on to say that our gift is not enough and that we owe her more.
Is there a polite way to make it clear that all she needs to say is “thank you,” without it coming down to a fight?
GENTLE READER:
Prolonged bad behavior by near relatives is painful and unpleasant. The mildest response is to say, “I’m sorry you are disappointed” with a delivery that, without being rude or aggressive, makes it clear that your sorrow does not run deep and then change the subject.
Not responding to your mother-in-law’s bait may, by taking the fun out of it for her, cause her to modify her behavior. But it may not.
If the behavior is not irksome enough for you to be willing to cause a breach, then Miss Manners urges you to consider your forbearance a good deed that you are infrequently called upon to repeat. And take comfort from your spouse, who has had to put up with her for much longer.
DEAR MISS MANNERS:
In February of this year, I spent two nights in the hospital with what ended up being blood clots in my lungs. One of my wife’s closest friends — a person I’ve thought of as family — has not reached out to me one time to find out how I’m doing.
In addition, we recently saw her and her husband, and neither of them asked how I’m doing. Thankfully, the blood thinners are doing their job. I’m wondering if I’m overreacting to her not reaching out.
GENTLE READER: It is true that friends and family members express interest in and concern over one another’s health crises. But they may also have reasons not to inquire: delicacy, redundancy or the simple assumption that, as you look well, the crisis has passed.
We can all hope that if you overlook this one time, there will not be so many future crises that you will have the opportunity to test your thesis that your wife’s friend is indifferent to your well-being.