Thanking the stuffy in-laws exhausting
DEAR MISS MANNERS:
My husband’s family is wildly different in how they view familial relationships than I am accustomed to. I would like Miss Manners to help me work out the propriety of thanking one’s own parents.
My in-laws expect a lot of recognition for their gifts and time and are very formal with us, sending thankyou cards for perfunctory gifts and favors.
I come from a family that finds the idea of getting a thank-you card from one’s own child preposterous. Such cards are reserved for major life events or extraordinary favors and are only considered appropriate for people beyond your immediate family. Instead, a verbal thank-you is the norm. It is also accepted that occasional forgetfulness in this regard will be forgiven.
I actually found my husband’s family charming at first, as I have a love of stationery that surpasses the number of gifts I receive. However, we now have a toddler, and after over a decade, I find my distaste for the formality of the gratitude compounded by my disappointment over the emotional distance that accompanies my in-laws’ expectations.
My husband agrees and has decided we will stick to fewer, but more intimate, displays of thanks — such as heartfelt messages and gifts on birthdays, and in-person thank-yous when they help us do something particularly unpleasant, such as lay a patio.
I really don’t want to take them for granted; I just want the relationship to be more causal and also more genuine. I hope the same for my child in the future.
GENTLE READER:
Do you? The problem is that “occasional forgetfulness” quickly turns into constant ingratitude — and you probably do not want that from your own child, either.
In the interest of good etiquette, family harmony and modeling best practices for your offspring, Miss Manners will make you a deal. Continue writing thank-you letters for major things like heirloom silver sets and down payments, and she will allow you to forgo them for trinkets and clearing the table.
DEAR MISS MANNERS:
I have an involuntary wink and facial palsy because of surgical damage — but I’m lucky to be alive! I often realize, after the fact, that I’ve unintentionally inflicted discomfort on strangers to whom I speak and wink.
What can I say to explain and beg forbearance without seeking sympathy?
GENTLE READER:
“Please forgive me; that was involuntary. My eyes tend to sneeze without me.”