Help from the unmasked isn’t desired
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a gentlewoman with white hair who looks her age. In the Before Times, I gratefully accepted displays of courtesy, such as doors being held open for me by gentlemen and ladies.
However, I do not know how to respond when someone holds a door for me but is not wearing a mask. When this happens, I back away from the door and make a gesture of thanks, keeping an appropriate distance and refusing the assistance.
What ensues is a battle of wills: me refusing to walk through the door vs. the non-mask-wearing person insisting that I accept his generous help. I have tried explaining my reason, but that never works.
GENTLE READER: The polite way to decline would be to take it upon yourself, saying, “Thank you, but I should stay away from you; I wouldn’t want to reward your kindness by endangering you.”
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m a Catholic clergyman. Once the dangers from COVID pass and we can resume a semblance of our normal lives, I will be performing a cousin’s wedding ceremony.
My aunt is insisting that I wear a tuxedo, which, to me, is a very odd request.
I told her I would wear either my religious habit or a black suit with a Roman collar, as they are the equivalent of a soldier’s Class A uniform. They are, simply, the best clothing I own.
I’ve never encountered anyone who objected to clergy (or military) wearing their dressiest clothing to a wedding reception, but perhaps I am naive or incorrect.
One usually expects clergy to dress like what they are, especially when they’re overtly functioning as such.
My aunt is quite confident that you, whom she calls the “Pope of Etiquette,” will set me straight and tell me that I’m being boorish. My superiors would normally not countenance wearing a tuxedo under any circumstances but, in this one case, they’re sufficiently bemused to have agreed to let me abide by your decision.
GENTLE READER: You aunt has hit a new low in attempts to act as costume director at a wedding.
Aside from establishing the level of formality, those giving weddings must rely on the judgment of the participants. Even brides who want to dress their bridesmaids alike run into trouble if they allow those ladies no choice.
You really must insist that if you are to perform this wedding, it is in your capacity as a clergyman and you must wear the clothes that are appropriate to that calling.