Head off disputes before guests arrive
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Not only am I, like so many others, having to grapple with the threat of COVID-19 contamination, but also with the increasingly vitriolic political situation that has divided my friends and family.
Therefore, I’ve put signs over my front door that read “MASKS MUST BE WORN,” and “NO POLITICS,” as well as similar placards throughout the house, particularly near the dinner table.
Some have already said that this approach is laughable and makes me a rude host, even mentioning infringement of free speech.
Normally, I might agree, but I’m wondering if these temporary regulations might be allowed during trying times.
GENTLE READER: Your real problem is that neither the Constitution nor etiquette endows hosts with legislative, executive or judicial powers. Banning behavior that will endanger or offend yourself or other guests must be done politely, which means in individual conversations before the day of the event.
DEAR MISS MANNERS:
Is it correct to use the verb “invite” as a substitute for the noun “invitation”? Example: “I have received an invite.”
GENTLE READER: Certainly not.
DEAR MISS MANNERS:
I have been in a tiff with my sister-in-law for about a year, when her ill-considered words rocked my marriage. We are still healing.
But that is not the issue. I just learned that my sisterin-law’s elderly mom looked so bad she was sent directly to the hospital. Coughing, feverish, low energy, no appetite, food has no taste …
The COVID test came back negative. What they learned was so much worse. Her mother is dying of stage 4 cancer and has only a short time to live.
Is it wrong to express condolence or sympathy before someone dies? How can I acknowledge her pain at watching a parent die and continue to withhold an olive branch? I am not ready to forgive her yet.
GENTLE READER: The military calls it a cease-fire: Everyone stops shooting, which the troops know is not at all the same thing as turning in your weapons and going home.
The etiquette equivalent is to refrain from references to past indiscretions while you are dealing with your sisterin-law’s anticipated loss.
You cannot yet offer condolences — that would be, at best, indelicate — but you can offer sympathy and, if possible at a distance, what the Army (you have put Miss Manners in a military frame of mind) would call logistical support.