Even ‘nice’ compliment can be unwelcome

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband often compliments ladies by saying how beautiful their hair is, or how nice their dress is, or that he likes the color.

Some get offended, and some even believe he’s hitting on them, when he’s merely paying compliments. What is the appropriate way to compliment today?

GENTLE READER: Who doesn’t like to hear something nice?

That is what you and your husband are kindly thinking, Miss Manners knows. But she is afraid that the situation is more complicated.

It is more a matter of context than of age or marital status. It is one thing to say “Wow, you look fantastic!” to your spouse, and quite another to say it to your summer intern.

Having one’s appearance appraised, even favorably, can be scary from a stranger and demeaning in a business situation.

Socially, compliments are lovely, provided they are not more personal than the relationship warrants. Compliments about the body are flirtatious. The best compliments refer to words or actions: “I love your wit” or “That was a great job you did.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter asked her best friend of 17 years to be her maid of honor, and she accepted. Shortly after that, there was a rumor that this friend would soon be moving out of state with her sister, 13 hours away.

While my daughter is not upset about the move, she is upset with how her friend handled it. The friend told several other people she would be moving, but neglected to tell her “best friend” until a month before the move. Not only that, but she gave her the news via text message.

My daughter is hurt that she was only worth a text, and told her she needed a break from the friendship. Now they hardly communicate, and the friend never asks my daughter about wedding plans.

My daughter isn’t even sure she wants her to stand next to her on the big day. What are your thoughts? GENTLE READER: Considering how upset your daughter is, to the extent of considering throwing away that long friendship, Miss Manners suspects that the maid of honor might know her friend well enough to have been afraid of telling her about the move.

And surely, if she is planning a trip in connection with this wedding, that is demonstration enough of her interest and commitment.

Miss Manners urges you to help your daughter calm down and put this into perspective. It is no time to throw over an old friendship.