Always the hosts, but never the guests
DEAR MISS MANNERS:
For nearly 29 years, my wife and I have held a Christmas dinner party for the four men who were in our wedding party, along with their wives.
Here’s the problem: One of these couples has never invited us to their home. Another hasn’t had us over for 15 years, and a third couple, not for seven years. The fourth couple knows what reciprocating means.
Last year we got fed up and didn’t have the party. When these friends asked us why, we attributed it to some health problems my wife had had. Another year has gone by, and the situation hasn’t changed.
We’re no longer going to invite people over who never return the invitation.
What’s an appropriate response when I’m asked why we’re not having the party? The truth would make us sound like we were begging for invitations. Should I simply say we’re too busy, or is there a gracious way to let people know they have been a big disappointment?
GENTLE READER: Actually, you have done it. If only you hadn’t undercut it by claiming health reasons. You could have said, “We hadn’t seen you all year, so we didn’t think you would be interested in continuing.”
A common hazard in connection with annual parties is that guests begin to think that the normal mutual obligations between hosts and guests do not apply.
Also, as you have found out, they consider that their place on your guest list is good for every year.
So her advice to those who are kind and hospitable enough to give annual parties is to vary them a bit from year to year — or perhaps skip a year now and then.
DEAR MISS MANNERS:
Here’s a pet peeve I have when giving Christmas gifts.
So often the response is along the lines of, “OMG, I didn’t get you a gift.” I hate that. I give gifts because I want to, and I have no expectation of something in return. I hate the idea that my main accomplishment is to put a guilt trip on the other person.
Although I have no problem telling people this, I wish they would just say, “Thank you, that’s very thoughtful” right away. If you agree with me, perhaps a comment from you could help spread the message.
GENTLE READER: Sure. But Miss Manners also values this as an example of how a perfectly proper and inevitable thought can become improper when it is said aloud. The gracious recipient will shut up after thanking the donor, and only make a private note of looking for a chance to reciprocate.