Offers of ‘help’ end up more of a hassle

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Lately I’ve found myself in a position where loved ones decide to do me a “favor,” and the result is more hassle than it would have been otherwise.

For example, my family kindly brought us dinner during a medical emergency, but asked me to set the table, serve drinks and clean up. They also hassled me about my ice maker not working, and just generally called on me to host in every way when I needed to rest.

I’ve been given castoff items from “downsizing” family members, and overwhelmingly, it’s junk that just needed to be thrown in the trash or donated.

I find it hard to believe these donors really think I have a use for their hoarded items, or that they don’t realize it becomes a chore for me to dispose of them.

I could name other occasions: a party ostensibly thrown in my honor that completely disregarded my (solicited!) additions to the guest list and misspelled my husband’s name on the invitations; “free” furniture that was “rescued” and stored without asking if we wanted it, which we then had to pay to transport.

I find my heart sinking whenever I am asked, “What can I do to help?” because experience has taught me that the “help” will only be a hassle.

I don’t consider myself a controlling person, but I deeply dislike being put in this position; it makes me feel entitled and ungrateful, even as I feel intruded upon.

Does Miss Manners have any suggestions for gracefully declining offers of these “favors”? What about when the well-wisher insists?

GENTLE READER: For unwanted donations, Miss Manners suggests you practice a firm, “No, thank you, I’m afraid we simply don’t have the room.” And for the unsolicited help, an equally firm, “We really do not require anything right now, but we will certainly let you know if we do.”

If they persist, Miss Manners suggests you come up with practical, simple and hard-to-screw-up tasks for them: a ride to the hospital, perhaps, or a trip to the grocery store to pick up ginger ale. Small and specific is the goal.

But if your loved ones inevitably come up with 38,476 questions about directions to the store, the location of the beverage aisle and the various brands, flavors and prices of ginger ale, Miss Manners is afraid that even she cannot help you.

She advises you to get more competent and self-sufficient relatives.