Colleague doesn’t care for conversation

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My co-worker and I have a routine where we eat lunch together. A new person started working here and basically invited herself to lunch with us.

We didn’t want to be rude, so we have allowed her to eat with us. However, she seems to get upset when we discuss our personal lives (nothing inappropriate) or make work-appropriate jokes. She ends up leaving.

Should we alter our lunch conversation topics to include an uninvited colleague?

GENTLE READER: Why, when they have proven so successful in getting her to leave you to them?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Several weeks ago, I sent a lunch invitation to a family whose sons are in both of my sons’ classes. The mother accepted the invitation, and (two days before the lunch), I sent her a reminder text.

She replied that she will check her calendar. Then she informed me that she has three additional, older children, and asked if they were invited. I extended the invitation to them.

Later, I sent a text asking how many chairs I should set out. She replied that she didn’t yet know, and — here’s the part I am a bit miffed about — that her kids are vegan.

How would you suggest I avoid getting myself into this type of scenario in the future?

GENTLE READER: A bit miffed? This person invited extra people, would not tell you if they were actually coming, and then asserted that if they did come, they would need a special menu.

After you issued the original invitation, the mother accepted. Your reminders only served to exacerbate the situation. Twice.

Next time, quit while you have the answer that you want.

DEAR MISS MANNERS:

Decades ago, while traveling to my brother’s wedding, my husband and I made a side trip to visit my old undergrad adviser. He and his wife had us over to their house, and my adviser, who’d grown up a farm boy, found out that my husband had once worked on a farm.

He engaged my husband in an animated conversation about farming, leaving me to try to make conversation with his wife. I had met her only once, years before, and despite my efforts, I could find nothing in common with her. I was pretty chagrined — I had, after all, come to see him, not her, but I knew that saying so would be rude.

The man and his wife are now long gone, but I still wonder: What should I have done?

GENTLE READER: Found a way to get in on that farm talk. You might have learned something.