Co-worker insists on picking up check
DEAR ABBY: I have a colleague who has become an amazing friend over the last few years, and we plan dinner dates or work conferences periodically.
“Sandy” is everything a person would want in a friend. However, when we go out to eat, she usually insists on paying. When this pattern first started, I was a little put off, but I appreciated her generosity because it saved me money. But now I feel constantly indebted to her because I can never seem to return the favor.
When I insist on paying for myself, we argue and bicker. Sandy says she wants to show her appreciation for my partnership at work. She also explains that I have children whereas she is childless. I have come to resent the situation because I don’t want to feel like a charity case.
How do I approach this without tarnishing our work relationship and the friendship? Is this the altruism of a selfless person and my ego getting in the way? Or is there a deeper motive I haven’t considered? — Treated Too Well
DEAR TREATED: Iam going to assume that you have already communicated to Sandy that this dynamic makes you uncomfortable, and why. She may be the soul of generosity, but some people use money as a means to control or dominate others. Not knowing Sandy, I can’t guess what motivates her, but clearly the two of you should be able to have a mature conversation without anyone becoming defensive.
DEAR ABBY: My niece’s mother-in-law of 32 years, “Helen,” died seven months ago. I have been quietly seeing her widowed husband, “Wayne,” for about three months now. After Helen’s death, my niece, her husband and their children went on vacation because Helen’s illness had been a long, drawn-out ordeal. I was tasked with giving Wayne a nightly call to check on him, which I did. We realized we had a lot in common.
The problem is telling his children and grandchildren. He and Helen were married 59 years but didn’t have a happy marriage for the last 23. Should we tell them or continue keeping it a secret? — Unexpected Love in the East
DEAR UNEXPECTED:
In my opinion you should stay quiet for another few months — until it has been a year since Helen’s passing. At that point, Wayne should tell the niece and other relatives that he thinks you have a lot in common and you are going to see each other. In a perfect world, everyone would be glad that the two of you are finding happiness after so much sadness.