‘Wonderful’ relationship now nightmare
DEAR ABBY: I have been in a relationship for five years. It started out wonderful, but now I’m having second thoughts. He keeps putting my kids down and telling me I’m a bad mother. It’s so bad he has even put a knife to my throat. And, yes, he hits me.
There’s so much more I could say, but I am scared if he knew I was writing to you it would end up bad for me. I need help, but I don’t know what to do. He has isolated me from my family and friends. Please help me. — Lost and Afraid in the East
DEAR LOST: The man you are involved with is a dangerous abuser. What you must do next is quietly contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-7997233 or visiting thehotline.org.
It has been some time since I printed the Warning Signs of an Abuser:
(1) Pushes for quick involvement: Comes on strong, claiming, “I’ve never felt loved like this by anyone.”
(2) Jealous: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly.
(3) Controlling: If you are late, interrogates you intensively about whom you talked to and where you were; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.
(4) Unrealistic expectations: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.
(5) Isolation: Tries to isolate you from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of “causing trouble.”
(6) Blames others for problems or mistakes: It’s always someone else’s fault if something goes wrong.
(7) Makes others responsible for his or her feelings: The abuser says, “You make me angry” instead of “I am angry.”
(8) Hypersensitivity: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad.
(9) Cruelty to animals or children: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or tease them until they cry.
(10) “Playful” use of force during sex: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will.
(11) Verbal abuse: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel things.
(12) Rigid role of dominance: Expects you to serve, obey and remain at home.
(13) Sudden mood swings: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.
(14) Past battering: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person “made” him (or her) do it.
(15) Threats of violence: Says things like, “I’ll break your neck” or “I’ll kill you,” and then dismisses them with, “Everybody talks that way,” or “I didn’t really mean it.”