No one tells me when bad things happen
DEAR MISS MANNERS:
Lately, people have been saying to me, “It is not my story to tell” when I ask about the welfare of friends who might be having problems, or after I find out something devastating about a friend I care deeply about.
For example, I found out a friend’s brother had died. When I asked why no one had told me, I was told, “It’s not my story to tell.” Same for a friend whose husband was dying. Same for a friend with dementia.
Do these people think those who are suffering should contact and notify every person they know?
This answer would only make sense to me if the individual going through something told people not to say anything. This was not the case in the above-mentioned situations.
GENTLE READER: Are you telling Miss Manners that people are resisting gossiping? She is amazed.
But she is also amazed that, when you hear that something devastating happened to your dear friends, you don’t get in touch with them. Not to hear the details firsthand, but to offer your sympathy — and, if warranted, your help.
DEAR MISS MANNERS:
I work in a customer service role. I often have people thank me, and I know the appropriate response is “You’re welcome.”
However, I often have clients express gratitude without actually saying the words “thank you.” For example: “I appreciate your assistance with this.”
It seems that their gratitude deserves a response, but “you’re welcome” feels awkward. Is that appropriate? Am I just overthinking this?
GENTLE READER: Yes, you are. But as you are paying attention to the wording, rather than simply completing a rote exchange, you can vary your response. For example: “I was happy to be of assistance.”
Of course, you could reply to all such remarks with “No problem,” but that annoys many people. And “My pleasure” annoys Miss Manners.
DEAR MISS MANNERS:
My husband passed very suddenly and totally unexpectedly. Two months later, my cousin had a wedding.
As I was still in mourning, I wore black. Was it improper for me to wear black to the wedding? I was not involved in any aspect of the wedding other than attending.
GENTLE READER: Even under the strictest dress codes, Miss Manners assures you, wearing black at an otherwise festive occasion is permitted during mourning. But nowadays you might find the bridesmaids similarly dressed, even if they are not all recent widows.