Couple’s child-rearing outlooks clash

DEAR ABBY: I have been in a relationship for more than a year. We have similar interests and are both normally caring and loving to each other.

Our attempt at blending our kids and families has hit a lot of hard bumps. He is a very assertive and aggressive parent, while I’m the opposite. He has helped me with pointers and advice on taming my two boys’ “attitudes,” and both have changed the attitudes they had before and are doing good.

The problem is, my boyfriend has become controlling to the point that when anyone seems a little disrespectful or doesn’t do what they were supposed to or told to do, he gets in the middle of it. When we have an argument, if we disagree on something, he curses at me or calls me names. This has become a dealbreaker for me. He says I spoil and coddle my kids, which is a dealbreaker for him. He always apologizes afterward, but then he does it again. This may seem obvious, but is this as clear as I’m thinking that we should break up? — Somewhat Hopeless

DEAR SOMEWHAT HOPELESS: Because your “gentleman” (I use the term advisedly) friend becomes verbally abusive when you have a disagreement, recognize that he continues to do it because it works for him. Offer him the option of couples counseling. If he refuses, for your kids’ sakes if not for your own, move out and move on.

DEAR ABBY: My brother, who is 48, has mental issues. I have always tried to be there for him as much as I could without interfering with his independence. He has low self-esteem and takes things literally.

My parents have always been emotionally detached, but my brother has always craved Dad’s acceptance. Because he felt that Dad favored me, he pushes me away and isolates himself. I have tried to stay in contact, but he is so full of anger. Should I keep trying even though it’s painful? I just worry that if he were to pass, I would feel guilty for not trying harder, but he makes it so difficult and painful. — Facing Obstacles in Pennsylvania

DEAR FACING OBSTACLES: You are a good sister, but it may be time to distance yourself emotionally from his mental problems. He may treat you the way he does because he is incapable of interpersonal relations, not because of anything you did or didn’t do. Because you would feel guilty if you disengaged entirely, contact your brother every six or eight weeks or so to check in. Please don’t take this as personally as you have. Your brother is unwell.