Calling to complain about the listener

DEAR MISS MANNERS:

I have been mortified, twice, by close friends while talking on the phone. They each told a story about another friend who repeatedly annoys them with a certain behavior. It was only later that I realized they were talking about me!

What does Miss Manners think of this way of criticizing a friend?

GENTLE READER: That your friends are not as smart as they think they are.

Miss Manners wonders how they would respond to option 1 — “Oh my goodness, you’re talking about me! I had no idea that annoyed you! I am so, so very sorry! Please accept my apologies! I am mortified!” — or option 2: “That is completely annoying! How can you stand such a person! Incredible!” and on and on.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My father passed several months ago, and I need a polite way to ask well-meaning relations to stop calling to check in on me.

I have an extremely large extended family, but we are not close. As I cared for my father in his final weeks, I saw many relatives I hadn’t seen in decades.

Since then, several have been calling to “see how you’re doing” or to “lend an ear,” expecting that I’ll want to reminisce or receive emotional support.

The problem is that they knew my father as a wise, respected, favorite uncle and businessman. I knew a very different man — one who communicated with a raised voice and fists. As his executor, I have also learned much about his business practices that I wish I hadn’t.

I would never divulge that I feel only relief at his passing, nor my reasons for feeling this way, as it serves no purpose to rob others of their treasured memories.

I’ve thanked the callers for their thoughtfulness and assured them that I’m fine. I’ve changed the subject,

I’ve asked how they are feeling and if they need support, and I’ve delayed returning calls.

Is there a polite way to express that I truly don’t have a need to talk about my father’s passing and that there’s no need to continue to check on me?

GENTLE READER: Society used to recognize that grieving requires a period of mourning — and that sometimes the best way to support a friend’s loss is, when they ask to be left alone, to leave them alone.

Although your situation is atypical, your need for privacy is not, and Miss Manners recommends you assert it. Thank your friends and family for their support, tell them you need some time to yourself now — and turn off the ringer.