Discipline looks different in a pandemic

My kids have been building a lot of forts lately, and their passion for the endeavor is equal parts adorable and deplorable. The other day, my 8-year-old kicked my 5-year-old in the eye for having the gall to procure a small pillow from the fort he’d built the day before, even though he wasn’t playing with it anymore. I frequently find myself wondering how best to respond to situations like this.

In an ideal world, we wouldn’t be cooped up together 24 hours a day in a home with only 12 pillows. Should I be more lenient, then, when my kids act out? Or should I be strict in an attempt to maintain limits? What is the best way for parents to respond to misbehavior in the midst of a global crisis?

Children don’t have to worry about losing their jobs or ensuring there’s enough food in the house. (Instead, they get to spend their time building forts!) Nevertheless, “we’re asking something that is pretty huge of kids right now,” said Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D., a psychotherapist and co-author of “No-Drama Discipline”

and “The Power of Showing Up.” Young kids’ lives often revolve around seeing their friends and exploring the world, so being forced to shelter at home with their family can feel really hard. Many kids also thrive on routine and structure — simple things like always having preschool circle time at 9 a.m. — and these predictable aspects of their lives have also disappeared, causing some to struggle more.

Young kids often don’t know how to cope with their unease or unhappiness, so they communicate it by becoming more touchy and difficult. They’ll “have less ability to tolerate when things don’t go right — even if that thing is just that you serve them peanut butter instead of macaroni and cheese,” said Tovah Klein, Ph.D., a child psychologist and director of the Barnard College Center for Toddler Development.

So if your child throws his fort pillow at the cat in a fit of fury, what should you do? First, take a deep breath (or three) so that you don’t lose your temper.

Next, validate their feelings. Say, “Oh, buddy, you’re having such a hard time,” or, “Oh, wow, you seem so angry,” Bryson suggested. With young kids, it can help to get down on their level — to literally sit on the floor with them — as it’s easier to meaningfully connect with them that way.

Consider, for instance, how you deal with your kids when they are sick. You’re probably much more patient and tolerant of their whining and outbursts because you know they’re not feeling well. The situation now isn’t that different: When kids act out during a crisis, they are essentially saying, “I really need help right now. I’m having a hard time,” Br yson said.

After they (and you) have calmed down, address why their behavior wasn’t acceptable. You can say, “The way you talked to me hurt my feelings,” or “It’s OK to be mad, but it’s not OK to hurt your brother,” Bryson said. Ask them what they think they should do next to remedy the situation. Encourage them to identify strategies that will help them the next time they feel angr y or sad.

You should do what works best for your family, but the psychologists I talked to suggested easing up on punishments right now.

You can also help your kids get out some of their anxious energy in positive ways. None of us has much, if any, extra time right now — but if and when you can squeeze in two minutes of fun with your kids, do it. Put on music and dance with your kids while you make dinner. Make up silly, giggle-inducing bedtime songs. Be sure to let them play — and join in every once in a while.

Play helps kids “process what’s on their minds, what’s stressing them out, and allows them to have some control,” Br yson said.

Creating a daily schedule for your kids can help those who crave stability and predictability. You could even pencil in one-on-one play time with a parent, which would give each child something to look forward to. “It really could be like a 10-minute thing,” Chansky said. “You can, in that amount of time, really enjoy and connect.”