Can you really trust your closest friends?

Former New Orleans mob boss Carlos Marcello reportedly had a sign above his office door that stated, “Three can keep a secret if two are dead.”

It seems everyone wants full trust and loyalty from others, but few can provide it in return. There are just too many ethical and self-interest conflicts.

Years ago, I did an experiment with some of my closest friends. I set up the following fictitious scenario and asked them to respond. It went something like this:

“Suppose I obtained some classified documents under the table and shared them with you. No harm had been intended or done toward the country. And let’s say the government found out about it and put me on trial. You are called as a witness and asked if you have ever seen the documents in my possession? How would you answer?”

Much to my surprise, some of my closest friends would rat me out without giving it a second thought. There were various reasons for this.

One said the value of maintaining the integrity of classified information and loyalty to his country were priorities over any friendship and therefore, would spill the beans.

Another said he would not lie under oath and put himself at risk for perjury — even if that risk were low.

One person I surveyed actually would protect my interest. As a retired colonel, he said there was no way he would cause harm to a trusted colleague — even if it meant risking his own wellbeing. He told me there were three reasons for this:

The first was that I had helped him with career issues over the years, and he felt a need to return the compassion. The second was the idea that loyalty to fellow soldiers trumps all other values. The third point was after working in the Army for 30 years, he saw its flaws and put the value of loyalty to friends over the value of any allegiance to governmental bureaucracy.

Another former military person surveyed expressed a similar view.

So needless to say, these responses were not what I would have predicted. I would have thought the most loyal people would be those closest, but not so.

Of course, some might argue in this imagined scenario that I created the problem by having unauthorized documents in my possession in the first place. They might also argue that I had put my friends in an awkward position by exposing them to this situation.

Yet once they had agreed to review the papers, wouldn’t there be an implied contract to protect the loyalty of the friend who had entrusted them with his secret?

Lending money can be a trust issue as well. My grandfather taught me as a child never to lend money to a friend. If you must, give it to him.

One time I didn’t heed that advice and sold a motorcycle to a buddy with payments. He never made one. This was a surprise, as up to that point, he had been extremely trustworthy and would not steal a pack of gum for me. But when it came to parting with his cash, it guess it was a completely different story.

He rationalized the situation by saying he had done a lot of free mechanical work for me and therefore, deserved not to pay. Perhaps a legitimate argument in a straight-forward contract. But he promised to pay, and his past services had been a gift.

Yet another time, I loaned money to someone who had stiffed just about everyone he knew. But this deadbeat did not cheat me. As a matter of fact, he even paid the debt back with interest, which I had not requested!

Trust and loyalty have been problems for humans throughout the ages. Literature, religion and history are full of stories describing these two issues. People are just unpredictable in these two areas.

Out of self-protection, one must be cautious. The fact that a person might be “usually” reliable does not mean they are “always” reliable. People can be trusted in some areas, but not in others.

But one thing is for certain: Despite lip service, when backed against a wall, most people today will put their own self-interest above loyalty toward others.

Just ask any mafia don.