Writer misses friend­ships made dur­ing sum­mer camp

Lodi News-Sentinel - - LOCAL/NATION - AN­NIE LANE “Ask Me Any­thing: A Year of Ad­vice From Dear An­nie” is out now! An­nie Lane’s de­but book — fea­tur­ing fa­vorite columns on love, friend­ship, fam­ily and eti­quette — is avail­able as a pa­per­back and ebook. Visit http://www.cre­ator­spub­lish­ing.com for

Dear An­nie: For al­most three years af­ter col­lege, I worked at a sci­ence camp in the nearby moun­tains year-round. I was work­ing with a group of five other coun­selors, and we be­came in­cred­i­bly close. Work­ing to­gether nine-plus hours a day with like-minded peo­ple who are sim­i­lar in age will do that. It was very fun do­ing what we all loved for so long, but in the past two months, most of us have de­cided to move on. Of the five of us — The Fab Five! — only one still works at the camp, “Joey.” The other four of us are all at dif­fer­ent, more clas­si­cally “adult” jobs.

Though we promised to stay in touch and be just as close, it’s not been hap­pen­ing that way. With dif­fer­ent sched­ules, com­mutes, re­la­tion­ship sta­tuses, etc., it’s much harder to be as present in one an­other’s lives. The four of us who left have met up a few times, but Joey al­ways has a rea­son she can’t make it. Though she says she is sad and misses us, she doesn’t of­fer up al­ter­na­tive dates or plans that would work for her. I don’t want to take it per­son­ally, but it’s hard not to think that she feels aban­doned or is pur­pose­fully not com­ing or is mad. I’m not sure how to ap­proach her about this. An­nie, do you have any rec­om­men­da­tions? — Coun­selor in Need of Coun­sel

Dear Coun­selor: Maybe Joey is in­ten­tion­ally choos­ing not to spend time with you all; maybe she re­ally is just busy. Re­gard­less, take her at her word, and trust that if she val­ues the friend­ship as much as you do, she will even­tu­ally reach out. Some­times par­tic­u­lar friend­ships have an ebb and flow, and that’s OK. And some­times peo­ple grow up and apart, and that — though hard — is OK, too.

Dear An­nie: I have two chil­dren in food ser­vice, so I’d like to add some clar­i­fi­ca­tion re­gard­ing how much to tip. Twenty per­cent is very much the nor­mal rate. Your server has to tip the bar­tender, the food run­ners, the host or host­ess and the peo­ple who bus the ta­bles based on the server’s gross sales. It doesn’t mat­ter if a cus­tomer tips very lit­tle or not at all. The server still has to give the per­cent­age of his gross sales that man­age­ment de­cides goes to each of the above jobs. If you stay for a long pe­riod of time and don’t al­low the restau­rant to turn over the ta­ble for an­other cus­tomer, tip again. — Momma in Ten­nessee

Dear Momma: Not all restau­rants use a tip shar­ing or “tip­ping out” sys­tem, but many, per­haps most, do. Thanks for call­ing at­ten­tion to this and en­cour­ag­ing us all to stay gen­er­ous.

Dear An­nie: Re­cently, you printed a let­ter from “Paulie,” who took is­sue with peo­ple say­ing “I apol­o­gize” rather than “I’m sorry.” You have pre­vi­ously rec­om­mended that peo­ple read “The 5 Love Lan­guages,” which is a great book. The au­thor of that book has also writ­ten a book about the var­i­ous “lan­guages” of an apol­ogy, aptly ti­tled “The 5 Lan­guages of Apol­ogy.” It’s worth read­ing. — Salem, Ore., Reader

Dear Salem: Thank you so much for the read­ing rec­om­men­da­tion. I did not re­al­ize that Gary Chap­man (along with Jen­nifer Thomas) had writ­ten a book on the sub­ject of apol­o­giz­ing, and I look for­ward to read­ing it my­self.

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