A treasure trove of news you won’t find else­where

Lodi News-Sentinel - - OPINION - STEVE HANSEN

Another se­ries of news sto­ries you can’t find any­where else.

SMUG loses in court

Last week, a court of last re­sort ruled against the SUMG Elec­tric Co. It seems they had ap­pealed a lower court rul­ing in a case, which ac­cused the pub­lic util­ity of false ad­ver­tis­ing.

The Sooty Coal Cor­po­ra­tion of Flat Hills, W.V., filed the orig­i­nal com­plaint and claimed it was their mined prod­uct powering elec­tric cars, not elec­tric­ity. SMUG had of­fered two years of free ser­vice to any­one who trashed coal min­ers and touted all-elec­tric ve­hi­cles.

“The rul­ing is ridicu­lous,” said an at­tor­ney for the util­ity. “Ev­ery­one knows elec­tric cars are not pow­ered by coal, but by those lit­tle plug-in thin­gies found on walls in ev­ery­one’s home. Even Mil­len­ni­als know that.”

But a coal rep­re­sen­ta­tive de­clared it was a great mo­ment for the min­ing in­dus­try. “We fi­nally got our day in court and proved that no one op­er­ates any­thing in this coun­try with­out fos­sil fu­els,” he de­clared.

A lo­cal res­i­dent was not happy about the de­ci­sion. “It seems every time we try to create cleaner air, some court rules against us,” said en­vi­ron­men­tal­ist Lawn Green. But he vowed to con­tinue the fight to save the planet by clev­erly in­stalling a gi­gan­tic wind­mill on the back of his ‘86 Yugo.

Rep­re­sen­ta­tive sues news­pa­per

Rep­re­sen­ta­tive De­mon “Red” Beelze­bub is su­ing the McGul­li­cutty News Ser­vices for a piece he claims was fal­si­fied in or­der to harm his bud­ding po­lit­i­cal ca­reer.

The story, pub­lished in the Sin­ful City Buz­z­saw, claims Beelze­bub has a pointed tail hid­den un­der his di­a­mond-stud­ded jeans and two horns cam­ou­flaged by a beret the con­gress­man con­sis­tently wears.

“It’s a ma­li­cious at­tempt to harm me sim­ply be­cause I’m a mod­er­ate and they are a bunch of hard­core Marx­ists,” said Beelze­bub.

But a spokesper­son for the news ser­vice de­nied the charge.

“First of all, our pa­per has never been a fan of Grau­cho Marx.” “Se­condly, a free press has a right to make up any­thing about anybody it wants. The Supreme Court years ago ruled that the con­gress­man, be­ing a pub­lic fig­ure, has to ‘prove’ we hate him. We say ‘good luck’ with that one, ha!”

“And be­sides,” the spokesper­son con­tin­ued in a mo­ment of un­prece­dented can­dor. “Most of our read­ers don’t know the dif­fer­ence be­tween truth and fic­tion any­way.”

New first from Isle of Nusquam

Last week, the pres­i­dent of a small Caribbean coun­try cre­ated a new first. He gave his na­tion’s ver­sion of the State of the Union ad­dress while sub­merged un­der­wa­ter.

Some called it a pub­lic­ity stunt. But Pres­i­dent Reg­gae claimed it was the only way to seek the at­ten­tion of large coun­ties poi­son­ing the wa­ters around his tiny is­land na­tion.

“How would you like it if your home were sur­rounded by empty beer cans, used di­a­pers and rusty car parts?” asked the con­cerned leader in hopes of a sym­pa­thetic au­di­ence. But res­i­dents of most large na­tions seemed obliv­i­ous to his plea.

“Bet­ter him than us,” said one dweller of a large ur­ban city.

Another cit­i­zen from a small Cal­i­for­nia Foothill town said, “What’s the big deal? I look out my win­dow and see the same kind of trash every day. Got to throw my stuff some­where… What the…? Lu­cille, dang it! Is that baby wet again?”

How­ever, in sup­port, the lead­ers of the largest eco­nomic pow­ers vowed to send fi­nan­cial as­sis­tance to aid the pover­tys­tricken na­tion just as soon as pos­si­ble.

A lead­ing mem­ber of the G38.5 Sum­mit told the press:

“As a hu­man­i­tar­ian ges­ture, the least we can do is send them enough money so they can mess up the is­land with their own beer cans and dirty di­a­pers.”

Newspapers in English

Newspapers from USA

© PressReader. All rights reserved.