A treasure trove of news you won’t find elsewhere
Another series of news stories you can’t find anywhere else.
SMUG loses in court
Last week, a court of last resort ruled against the SUMG Electric Co. It seems they had appealed a lower court ruling in a case, which accused the public utility of false advertising.
The Sooty Coal Corporation of Flat Hills, W.V., filed the original complaint and claimed it was their mined product powering electric cars, not electricity. SMUG had offered two years of free service to anyone who trashed coal miners and touted all-electric vehicles.
“The ruling is ridiculous,” said an attorney for the utility. “Everyone knows electric cars are not powered by coal, but by those little plug-in thingies found on walls in everyone’s home. Even Millennials know that.”
But a coal representative declared it was a great moment for the mining industry. “We finally got our day in court and proved that no one operates anything in this country without fossil fuels,” he declared.
A local resident was not happy about the decision. “It seems every time we try to create cleaner air, some court rules against us,” said environmentalist Lawn Green. But he vowed to continue the fight to save the planet by cleverly installing a gigantic windmill on the back of his ‘86 Yugo.
Representative sues newspaper
Representative Demon “Red” Beelzebub is suing the McGullicutty News Services for a piece he claims was falsified in order to harm his budding political career.
The story, published in the Sinful City Buzzsaw, claims Beelzebub has a pointed tail hidden under his diamond-studded jeans and two horns camouflaged by a beret the congressman consistently wears.
“It’s a malicious attempt to harm me simply because I’m a moderate and they are a bunch of hardcore Marxists,” said Beelzebub.
But a spokesperson for the news service denied the charge.
“First of all, our paper has never been a fan of Graucho Marx.” “Secondly, a free press has a right to make up anything about anybody it wants. The Supreme Court years ago ruled that the congressman, being a public figure, has to ‘prove’ we hate him. We say ‘good luck’ with that one, ha!”
“And besides,” the spokesperson continued in a moment of unprecedented candor. “Most of our readers don’t know the difference between truth and fiction anyway.”
New first from Isle of Nusquam
Last week, the president of a small Caribbean country created a new first. He gave his nation’s version of the State of the Union address while submerged underwater.
Some called it a publicity stunt. But President Reggae claimed it was the only way to seek the attention of large counties poisoning the waters around his tiny island nation.
“How would you like it if your home were surrounded by empty beer cans, used diapers and rusty car parts?” asked the concerned leader in hopes of a sympathetic audience. But residents of most large nations seemed oblivious to his plea.
“Better him than us,” said one dweller of a large urban city.
Another citizen from a small California Foothill town said, “What’s the big deal? I look out my window and see the same kind of trash every day. Got to throw my stuff somewhere… What the…? Lucille, dang it! Is that baby wet again?”
However, in support, the leaders of the largest economic powers vowed to send financial assistance to aid the povertystricken nation just as soon as possible.
A leading member of the G38.5 Summit told the press:
“As a humanitarian gesture, the least we can do is send them enough money so they can mess up the island with their own beer cans and dirty diapers.”