Taking you where the news won’t go

Here we go once more: Taking you where no news service has ever gone before.

President banned

Twenty-six states have voted to keep the president off the ballot for the 2020 election. Proponents claim the ban will be in effect until the incumbent leader releases his junior high deportment grades and his second cousin’s afterschool ice cream expenses.

“It’s a brilliant idea, and I don’t know why we didn’t think of it before,” said one state senator. “He can never meet our demands. Now our chosen candidates will always win, and we’ll save billions in wasted election expenses.”

Of course, the president has other ideas, reacting to a situation he called “disgraceful.”

He reminded everyone on social media that the gun culture is on his side and warned opponents with the old adage of, “Those who have the guns make the rules.”

In response, Assemblyman Felonious Money concluded that he and his fellow party members have been right all along:

“Now I hope citizens realize why we have been trying to take all their gun and voting rights away,” said the Assemblyman. “We used to say, ‘everyone’s firearm and vote counts.’ But now we’ve trashed that slogan for, ‘You don’t need heaters if you’ve got great leaders.’”

Despite complaints by individual rights groups, legal experts have opined that these unusual legislative moves are probably constitutional. They base this view on the fact that the newly formed state laws combine the best principles of playground bullying and social justice.

Herbicide company sued

Obliterate!, makers of the herbicide “Grassaway,” has been sued by a law firm for causing cavities in children.

It seems they convinced a jury of non-English-speaking Neanderthal tribesmen, located in the hidden jungles of South America, that Obliterate! knew or should have known their product contained generous amounts of cane sugar.

Instead of spraying on unwanted grasses as directed, the tribesmen fed it to their offspring, thinking the product would give them magical powers. But it only produced dental caries in kids under 12.

A jury of peers awarded themselves and their tribe $272M in actual and punitive damages. But not knowing what money is, these primitive people created a huge bonfire fueled by $1,000 bills.

Attorneys for the plaintiffs were outraged, as the festivities took place before they could grab their generous cut. Now they have threatened to sue the tribe. However, legal observers feel this is improbable since the only assets these poor souls have are some saber tooth tiger bones and a few bigfoot pelts.

Obliterate! executives are bracing for the next suit, as trial lawyers search for grazing goats, whose decayed molars may have suffered the same fate.

It’s a girl!

Public relations officials from the Kingdom of Prolepsis have proudly announced the birth of a new heir to the nation’s throne. A baby girl, 15-pound Princess Privity, was born to the king and queen of this obscure nation last Monday.

The ruling family expressed great joy at their blessed event. His Royal Highness met his recently acquired actress bride while on a trip to the United States. She was playing the part of a grizzly bear in a famous theme park jamboree skit.

“The moment I saw her dancing in that furry suit, I knew she was the girl for me,” he told the press.

One reporter asked the king if he was disappointed that their firstborn was not a male?

His Majesty replied that tradition in his country requires the first child to be a boy. It also demands that any firstborn female be banished from the family and sent to learn a cherished trade, such as a snake milker, Chihuahua exorcist, or a CNN news anchor.

“But we live in modern times,” said the king. “We’ve already made plans to have a sex change for our little darling just as soon as possible.”

Despite a world-wide media frenzy, not all of the country’s citizens are happy about the event.

“This is white privilege beyond the pale.” said one angry protestor.

Most people, however, took the living fairy tale in stride, as many secretly hoped that someday, they too will be swept away in a pumpkin carriage while happily dancing in a theme park bear suit.