Tak­ing you where the news won’t go

Lodi News-Sentinel - - OPINION - STEVE HANSEN Steve Hansen is a Lodi writer and satirist.

Here we go once more: Tak­ing you where no news ser­vice has ever gone be­fore.

Pres­i­dent banned

Twenty-six states have voted to keep the pres­i­dent off the bal­lot for the 2020 elec­tion. Pro­po­nents claim the ban will be in ef­fect un­til the in­cum­bent leader releases his ju­nior high de­port­ment grades and his sec­ond cousin’s af­ter­school ice cream ex­penses.

“It’s a bril­liant idea, and I don’t know why we didn’t think of it be­fore,” said one state sen­a­tor. “He can never meet our de­mands. Now our cho­sen can­di­dates will al­ways win, and we’ll save bil­lions in wasted elec­tion ex­penses.”

Of course, the pres­i­dent has other ideas, re­act­ing to a sit­u­a­tion he called “dis­grace­ful.”

He re­minded ev­ery­one on so­cial me­dia that the gun cul­ture is on his side and warned op­po­nents with the old adage of, “Those who have the guns make the rules.”

In re­sponse, Assem­bly­man Felo­nious Money con­cluded that he and his fel­low party mem­bers have been right all along:

“Now I hope ci­ti­zens re­al­ize why we have been try­ing to take all their gun and vot­ing rights away,” said the Assem­bly­man. “We used to say, ‘ev­ery­one’s firearm and vote counts.’ But now we’ve trashed that slo­gan for, ‘You don’t need heaters if you’ve got great lead­ers.’”

De­spite com­plaints by in­di­vid­ual rights groups, le­gal ex­perts have opined that these un­usual leg­isla­tive moves are prob­a­bly con­sti­tu­tional. They base this view on the fact that the newly formed state laws com­bine the best principles of play­ground bul­ly­ing and so­cial jus­tice.

Her­bi­cide com­pany sued

Oblit­er­ate!, mak­ers of the her­bi­cide “Gras­s­away,” has been sued by a law firm for caus­ing cav­i­ties in chil­dren.

It seems they con­vinced a jury of non-English-speak­ing Ne­an­derthal tribes­men, lo­cated in the hid­den jun­gles of South Amer­ica, that Oblit­er­ate! knew or should have known their prod­uct con­tained gen­er­ous amounts of cane sugar.

In­stead of spray­ing on un­wanted grasses as di­rected, the tribes­men fed it to their off­spring, think­ing the prod­uct would give them mag­i­cal pow­ers. But it only pro­duced den­tal caries in kids un­der 12.

A jury of peers awarded them­selves and their tribe $272M in ac­tual and puni­tive da­m­ages. But not know­ing what money is, these prim­i­tive peo­ple cre­ated a huge bon­fire fu­eled by $1,000 bills.

At­tor­neys for the plain­tiffs were out­raged, as the fes­tiv­i­ties took place be­fore they could grab their gen­er­ous cut. Now they have threat­ened to sue the tribe. How­ever, le­gal ob­servers feel this is im­prob­a­ble since the only as­sets these poor souls have are some saber tooth tiger bones and a few big­foot pelts.

Oblit­er­ate! ex­ec­u­tives are brac­ing for the next suit, as trial lawyers search for graz­ing goats, whose de­cayed mo­lars may have suf­fered the same fate.

It’s a girl!

Pub­lic re­la­tions of­fi­cials from the King­dom of Prolep­sis have proudly an­nounced the birth of a new heir to the na­tion’s throne. A baby girl, 15-pound Princess Priv­ity, was born to the king and queen of this ob­scure na­tion last Mon­day.

The rul­ing fam­ily ex­pressed great joy at their blessed event. His Royal High­ness met his re­cently ac­quired ac­tress bride while on a trip to the United States. She was play­ing the part of a griz­zly bear in a fa­mous theme park jam­boree skit.

“The mo­ment I saw her danc­ing in that furry suit, I knew she was the girl for me,” he told the press.

One re­porter asked the king if he was dis­ap­pointed that their first­born was not a male?

His Majesty replied that tra­di­tion in his coun­try re­quires the first child to be a boy. It also de­mands that any first­born fe­male be ban­ished from the fam­ily and sent to learn a cher­ished trade, such as a snake milker, Chi­huahua ex­or­cist, or a CNN news an­chor.

“But we live in mod­ern times,” said the king. “We’ve al­ready made plans to have a sex change for our lit­tle dar­ling just as soon as pos­si­ble.”

De­spite a world-wide me­dia frenzy, not all of the coun­try’s ci­ti­zens are happy about the event.

“This is white priv­i­lege beyond the pale.” said one an­gry pro­tes­tor.

Most peo­ple, how­ever, took the liv­ing fairy tale in stride, as many se­cretly hoped that some­day, they too will be swept away in a pump­kin car­riage while hap­pily danc­ing in a theme park bear suit.

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