The fu­ture of di­a­pers and doo­bies

Lodi News-Sentinel - - OPINION - Steve Hansen is a Lodi writer and satirist.

News an­a­lyst Stringer Wire­man in­ter­views Squiffy Head, pres­i­dent of a group called “Di­a­pers and Doo­bies.”

Wire­man: Squiffy, the first ques­tion I want to ask you is: How did a re­spon­si­ble par­ent like you with three kids get in­volved in such a con­tro­ver­sial or­ga­ni­za­tion?

Head: Well Stringer, as you know, the world is chang­ing. There was a time when I could dis­ci­pline my chil­dren with a good slap in the face. But I wanted to raise kids in the mod­ern way, which meant let them ex­plore life to the fullest and do what­ever they want with­out any adult re­stric­tions.

Wire­man: And how did that work out?

Head: Un­for­tu­nately, It was not what I ex­pected. They be­came nar­cis­sis­tic, out-of-con­trol brats with no em­pa­thy for oth­ers, what­so­ever. They were driv­ing me and my hus­band, Ori­fice, nuts. We were at our wits’ end.

Wire­man: So what did you do about it?

Head: I tried to re­vert to old school meth­ods, but it was too late. Our kids had the child pro­tec­tive ser­vices phone num­ber tat­tooed on their hands. We were lucky we weren’t ar­rested. The case work­ers sternly re­minded us that our chil­dren be­long to the state, and that the state de­cides what is ap­pro­pri­ate and what isn’t.

Wire­man: But you still have to live with the kids, right?

Head: Yep. I didn’t know what to do un­til I read a story in one of those gro­cery store girly mag­a­zines — you know, the one with the former first lady’s pic­ture that’s al­ways on the cover? Well any­way, there was this life coach wo­man in there who wrote a story about how to raise your kids. I didn’t catch it all, as I was in the “10 items or less” line. But she said to keep them happy and mel­low.

Wire­man: So that’s what led you to sup­port le­gal­iza­tion of pot?

Head: Well, sure. Ori­fice and I have been smok­ing it for years, and we’re pretty mel­low folks. So I fig­ured what bet­ter way to get our kids un­der con­trol? And now I had that mag­a­zine lady back­ing me up as ev­i­dence.

Wire­man: Are you telling me you’re giv­ing your kids pot?

Head: You bet your bones I do. They get one joint be­fore go­ing to school. I put an­other in their lunch boxes to smoke in the multi-gen­der re­stroom, and then they get one more after school. It works great. Now they have no dis­ci­pline prob­lems in school, and they’re pretty mel­low at home.

Wire­man: I can’t be­lieve your do­ing this! What does child pro­tec­tive ser­vices have to say about your method­ol­ogy?

Head: They think it’s fine as long as my kids don’t vape.

Wire­man: Don’t you re­al­ize the harm you may be do­ing to your chil­dren? Are you aware of stud­ies in Scan­di­navia that show MJ smok­ing in­creases risk of se­ri­ous mental ill­ness?

How about the Univer­sity of Mon­treal study that con­cludes us­ing cannabis can lead to psy­chosis, which can re­sult in out-of-con­trol vi­o­lence?

Head: Nah, I don’t buy into that aca­demic stuff. As I said be­fore, Ori­fice and I have been smok­ing it for years, and we’re not vi­o­lent. As a mat­ter of fact, we don’t give a darn about any­thing — ex­cept, of course, our next dime bag — ha, ha!

Wire­man: Well, that’s an­other point. Stud­ies have shown that mar­i­juana in­ter­feres with mem­ory and mo­ti­va­tion. Kids on this stuff usu­ally do not per­form well in school.

Head: Well, Stringer, none of our kids are very smart, and they don’t learn much in school any­way. But at least I don’t get many calls from the prin­ci­pal any­more. Our chil­dren get to catch up on a lot of sleep in those math classes too.

Wire­man: So, do you really think le­gal­iz­ing pot na­tion­ally is good for kids?

Head: If Ori­fice and I de­cide to move to one of those up­tight South­ern states, we don’t want to get busted for try­ing to help our kids. But you know something, Mr. Wire­man? You’re start­ing to sound aw­fully high and mighty about what I am do­ing. Do YOU want to put up with my lit­tle twerps in your home with­out the aid of doo­bies?

Wire­man: Eh … well, now that you men­tioned it, no thanks, Mrs. Head. If I de­cide to have kids, they’ll be pro­tected from all this drug non­sense by rais­ing them on a Sin­ga­porean Army base.

The char­ac­ter Squiffy Head and her be­hav­iors de­scribed in the pre­ced­ing satire are purely fic­tional.

Any at­tempt to du­pli­cate her method­ol­ogy can be viewed not only as pros­e­cutable child en­dan­ger­ment, but un­mit­i­gated stu­pid­ity — even in Cal­i­for­nia.

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